Wow.
I don't even know where to begin. My last post was on August 18th. Since then it has been a confusing whirlwind of confusion and emotion.
First off. He hacked into my computer - suspicious after I'd reorganized the hall closet. He went onto facebook and saw conversations with a couple close friends, where I had confided in them that I had gotten an apartment.
After the shock wore off that I was planning on leaving, his family was in tears, he was in tears, amazed at just what could have happened to lead to this. 5 years of my putting up with more than I should have. More than anyone should have. His sister was almost in disbelief when I told her all I'd been through - the time he tried to abandon me in a parking lot, the guilt, the blame, the verbal and mental anguish I'd been coping with.
Today is September 13th. Tomorrow mom and dad show up to help me with the final leg of the move.
It's a somewhat glorifying feeling, but at the same time, utterly heartbreaking. This has been my home for the past 5 years. The good, the bad, the parties, and the fights. In 24 hours I will be sleeping in a new place, in a new town not too far from here. It's strange - I've been setting up my apartment for nearly a month now......but it's not yet sunk in what's happening and just how drastic of a change this will be.
I know I shouldn't worry - but I think about the neighbors, the rumors - what part of the story will he tell?
He's desperate for this to work. We've been going to counseling for a couple weeks now - and he's a completely different person. It's still too early to tell if it's genuine, but from first glance, it's difficult to believe. He's turned to God in ways I've never seen at such a rate of speed. He now reads the Bible daily, listens to Christian Music, attends church, goes to Bible studies, and prays multiple times a day. It's a bit much so quickly, but then again - how much do I know about religion?
I hope that being on my own again I can learn to be 'me'. I can find happiness and solitude and once again (maybe for the first time) become completely comfortable with myself.
10pm on my last night in this house......sleeping across the hall as I've done for nearly two weeks.....praying this is the right thing, which will lead to the right life.
........update to this - that night he got upset and turned the internet back off again so I could have no access. This meant my jobs that were uploading to the server never completed. I was told that if I wanted him to turn the internet back on, I had to sit in the same room with him so he could monitor what I was doing.
Needless to say that job was a day and a half late being submitted.
Sunday, December 22, 2013
08/16/13
I feel like I'm going to be sick.....
The stress, the frustration, the anger. I'm still shaking.
No, of course the issues aren't there, apparently WE don't have any issues, but I do.
He thinks we accomplished everything on Friday, when I said I had nothing left to say. Why you ask did I have nothing left to say? Because every time I told him of something he'd said or done that hurt, it was my fault I felt that way. Not his fault he said something hurtful.
Florida vacation is now off, which I hinted over the past few days would be a good idea since we are trying to still work things out. Apparently I was the only one who thought we were still having issues. He honestly thought Friday settled things. Because he hugged me on Sunday when I came home and said he was sorry.
I love him, I really do, but I just don't get why he gets like this. I wish I understood his thought process.
Fast Forward to 1am. Dogs are trying to get on the bed, Mazie won't stop growling, I finally get her moved and shushed, and Rob just up and walks downstairs. Says he hasn't been able to sleep at all. I tell him to please come to bed. He won't. He's online, so I grab my computer from down there since I can't sleep now either. He asks 'you getting online?'. I tell him 'you are sitting down here awake online, I figured I'd get on too since I can't sleep now'.
So he turns off the router. (not the first time he's done this)
Thankfully I can piggyback off the neighbors.
He even suggested last night while still downstairs 'well, i guess if we are still having issues, you should sleep on the guest bed.' really?
The stress, the frustration, the anger. I'm still shaking.
No, of course the issues aren't there, apparently WE don't have any issues, but I do.
He thinks we accomplished everything on Friday, when I said I had nothing left to say. Why you ask did I have nothing left to say? Because every time I told him of something he'd said or done that hurt, it was my fault I felt that way. Not his fault he said something hurtful.
Florida vacation is now off, which I hinted over the past few days would be a good idea since we are trying to still work things out. Apparently I was the only one who thought we were still having issues. He honestly thought Friday settled things. Because he hugged me on Sunday when I came home and said he was sorry.
I love him, I really do, but I just don't get why he gets like this. I wish I understood his thought process.
Fast Forward to 1am. Dogs are trying to get on the bed, Mazie won't stop growling, I finally get her moved and shushed, and Rob just up and walks downstairs. Says he hasn't been able to sleep at all. I tell him to please come to bed. He won't. He's online, so I grab my computer from down there since I can't sleep now either. He asks 'you getting online?'. I tell him 'you are sitting down here awake online, I figured I'd get on too since I can't sleep now'.
So he turns off the router. (not the first time he's done this)
Thankfully I can piggyback off the neighbors.
He even suggested last night while still downstairs 'well, i guess if we are still having issues, you should sleep on the guest bed.' really?
08/06/13
I can't recall the last time I was ever so lost or confused as I am now. I wasn't happy, I knew that much. The realizations that have developed in the past weeks have given me hope......there's still a life out there that I can absolutely love to no end. More than likely, there's a man too, who will truly accept me, and one day maybe even care for me, through my good and my bad. Maybe one day it will end up being the best chance I ever take. I only pray I'm so lucky.....
I'm high as a kite anymore. I have hope again.
Scatterbrained as well.
Do I buy a house? Rent a house? What about an apartment? Do I stay out this way? towards downtown? What about the dogs? They need a yard. How can I get by? Can I even get by? Can I do this? What about work? Slow weeks at work? Do I hire a lawyer now? Get ready? What about alimony? What is reasonable? What about my car? Do I request he pays for my car so I can keep it? What if he won't? Shitfire. I don't fucking know anymore. I just don't.
I called a loan officer today about a house. Because the company I work for has me as a 'contract' worker, that makes it a bit more difficult. I also learned that I might not be able to get a house until the split, as both parties would have to be on the title. Clearly that won't work.
I will more than likely get a call back tomorrow with the bad news. Which is totally crazy because when I worked for crazy lady, I was pre-approved for an $85k house the first time he wanted to get rid of me. Now with excellent credit and making more money, I probably won't get that chance.
I'm just so unhappy. I just want out. I am ready to start over.
The other night I read through all the unpublished blog entries here. 3 years worth of logged arguments. 3 years where everything was my fault - every bad day, bad mood. Where I sat there in tears, alone for hours. For something I didn't even do, but was made to feel like I did. Pouring my heart and soul out only to be ignored completely, taking 2nd priority behind a you-tube video on the computer. I feel like I want the last 5 years back.
....half a decade of wasted years, hoping for things to get better, when I knew from the first incident that would never happen. I'm such a fool, such a dumbass. 5 years of someone trying to convince me I was only in it for money, assuming even my parents wanted his money. Why? Why would a person say things like that? There's so much I still can't forget - the time he tried to abandon me in the parking lot, the dance with my dad at my wedding I will never get to have, forcing my unemployed parents to foot the bill for a wedding as a way for me to prove to him they didn't want his money either. I've never wanted to kick myself in the ass so much as I have for the past few years. And yet I let it continue.
Years of ignoring and putting off the inevitable, all because I'm too scared to make the change I need to make.
That time is now.
I'm high as a kite anymore. I have hope again.
Scatterbrained as well.
Do I buy a house? Rent a house? What about an apartment? Do I stay out this way? towards downtown? What about the dogs? They need a yard. How can I get by? Can I even get by? Can I do this? What about work? Slow weeks at work? Do I hire a lawyer now? Get ready? What about alimony? What is reasonable? What about my car? Do I request he pays for my car so I can keep it? What if he won't? Shitfire. I don't fucking know anymore. I just don't.
I called a loan officer today about a house. Because the company I work for has me as a 'contract' worker, that makes it a bit more difficult. I also learned that I might not be able to get a house until the split, as both parties would have to be on the title. Clearly that won't work.
I will more than likely get a call back tomorrow with the bad news. Which is totally crazy because when I worked for crazy lady, I was pre-approved for an $85k house the first time he wanted to get rid of me. Now with excellent credit and making more money, I probably won't get that chance.
I'm just so unhappy. I just want out. I am ready to start over.
The other night I read through all the unpublished blog entries here. 3 years worth of logged arguments. 3 years where everything was my fault - every bad day, bad mood. Where I sat there in tears, alone for hours. For something I didn't even do, but was made to feel like I did. Pouring my heart and soul out only to be ignored completely, taking 2nd priority behind a you-tube video on the computer. I feel like I want the last 5 years back.
....half a decade of wasted years, hoping for things to get better, when I knew from the first incident that would never happen. I'm such a fool, such a dumbass. 5 years of someone trying to convince me I was only in it for money, assuming even my parents wanted his money. Why? Why would a person say things like that? There's so much I still can't forget - the time he tried to abandon me in the parking lot, the dance with my dad at my wedding I will never get to have, forcing my unemployed parents to foot the bill for a wedding as a way for me to prove to him they didn't want his money either. I've never wanted to kick myself in the ass so much as I have for the past few years. And yet I let it continue.
Years of ignoring and putting off the inevitable, all because I'm too scared to make the change I need to make.
That time is now.
07/23/13
oh yeah....Boston:
I totally didn't blog about our 'vacation'. Now, I use that term very loosely. VERY.
DC wasn't too bad. Lots of walking, lots of rain, but overall, not too bad. By the 2nd leg of the trip, his mood had completely turned. Back on my case about this, that and the other, he was at least nice to my family up in Jersey.
The worst thing in Boston, was the hotel issue. Okay - he'd been moody - for some reason or another - happens enough that I can't remember the small things. Anyway, earlier we'd joked about how small our hotel room was. We went to go meet Laurie and Snide at their hotel (Courtyard, which we stayed at a Courtyard the night before, king bed, huge room, etc) so while in the lobby waiting for them, in an attempt to make small talk since we weren't really talking I say 'I bet they have bigger rooms here than we do. Maybe we should have stayed here.' (lol)
'oh, now your room isn't good enough. Well I'm just sooo sorry you hate it, and aren't happy with it'. 'I didn't say that, I was only joking about the room size, and mentioned it since we stayed at a courtyard last night. Sorry'
'I'm just so sick of this, all you want to do it spend all my money'. 'What?! I've spent $7 on this entire trip so far....that's it.(didn't mention he'd spent $20+). I'm sorry i brought it up at all.' Then he said it. The one thing I've asked him never to call me. and he did....in public, in a hotel lobby, he called me a bitch. 'WTH, what is your deal? Why would you call me that?! All because of a hotel room!?' 'shut up' he says to me. Now I'm mad. 'you shut the fuck up. What is your deal? I didn't do anything for you to get like this!'
I moved to the other side of the lobby, doing my best not to cry at the man who thrives on disrespecting me, and didn't speak but a few words the entire night. Even with Snide and Laurie there.
On the way home there was another fight because I was running 10mph over the speed limit, and he insisted I would get pulled over (I was going with traffic) but I could just keep on driving how I wanted, I could pay the ticket with MY money, it's MY license that would get the points. I must not care about MY money since I don't care if it goes towards a ticket. I set the cruise at 5 under and didn't say a word to him for at least 2 hours.
Longest f'n vacation in years.
I totally didn't blog about our 'vacation'. Now, I use that term very loosely. VERY.
DC wasn't too bad. Lots of walking, lots of rain, but overall, not too bad. By the 2nd leg of the trip, his mood had completely turned. Back on my case about this, that and the other, he was at least nice to my family up in Jersey.
The worst thing in Boston, was the hotel issue. Okay - he'd been moody - for some reason or another - happens enough that I can't remember the small things. Anyway, earlier we'd joked about how small our hotel room was. We went to go meet Laurie and Snide at their hotel (Courtyard, which we stayed at a Courtyard the night before, king bed, huge room, etc) so while in the lobby waiting for them, in an attempt to make small talk since we weren't really talking I say 'I bet they have bigger rooms here than we do. Maybe we should have stayed here.' (lol)
'oh, now your room isn't good enough. Well I'm just sooo sorry you hate it, and aren't happy with it'. 'I didn't say that, I was only joking about the room size, and mentioned it since we stayed at a courtyard last night. Sorry'
'I'm just so sick of this, all you want to do it spend all my money'. 'What?! I've spent $7 on this entire trip so far....that's it.(didn't mention he'd spent $20+). I'm sorry i brought it up at all.' Then he said it. The one thing I've asked him never to call me. and he did....in public, in a hotel lobby, he called me a bitch. 'WTH, what is your deal? Why would you call me that?! All because of a hotel room!?' 'shut up' he says to me. Now I'm mad. 'you shut the fuck up. What is your deal? I didn't do anything for you to get like this!'
I moved to the other side of the lobby, doing my best not to cry at the man who thrives on disrespecting me, and didn't speak but a few words the entire night. Even with Snide and Laurie there.
On the way home there was another fight because I was running 10mph over the speed limit, and he insisted I would get pulled over (I was going with traffic) but I could just keep on driving how I wanted, I could pay the ticket with MY money, it's MY license that would get the points. I must not care about MY money since I don't care if it goes towards a ticket. I set the cruise at 5 under and didn't say a word to him for at least 2 hours.
Longest f'n vacation in years.
06/11/13
Went to the grocery store after work to pick up stuff for dinner and lunches for the rest of the week. He insisted last night we had plenty of leftovers and a trip to the store was un-needed, so I ended up eating a hot dog omelette while he had leftover pot roast and (literally) moldy cornbread. Told him earlier that I would make shrimp and a tomato pie.
I get home from the store, and he asks how much everything was '$80?' I said no, it was $70.
Oh, here we go. He doesn't see why I spend so much on food, we have plenty in the house, why do I like to spend so much on food, I'm there every few days, why can't I eat leftovers (may I add I've eaten pot roast 3 days in a row now and that I practically live on leftovers and nothing else). I literally apologized at least 4 times for buying food. The man seriously ate fucking moldy cornbread last night and here he is chewing my ass out for buying fresh food for us to eat. He also didn't take into account that at least $20 of that was for the mac and cheese I'm apparently now making for him to smoke for a party that Lanny and Melissa are having. So all in all, I got chewed out for spending $50 to feed us for a week.
....and believe me, I went off on him too. Don't fuck with me anymore buddy. Don't even.
So I tell him I've already apologized at least 20 times, and we are dropping this. I'm told that I am not to buy any more food for the next month.
Do you know how tempted I was to remind him of the $400 he spent on a piece of artwork last weekend??
So I start on dinner, while he goes and heats up leftovers. Fully knowing I was making us a nice dinner tonight. He proceeds to eat in the living room while I'm still cooking.
Sure I ended up eating alone, but at least it was good and fresh food.
After I eat, he's still sitting on his computer watching various u-tube clips and whatnot, so I clean up from dinner and proceed to go upstairs to start organizing the closet in my front room....the one that is so bad he honestly thinks I'm a hoarder. So I'm up there for right about an hour, and he finally comes up ' you just going to sit up here all night?' 'I can come downstairs'. 'no, don't bother, I've already closed everything up'. End of discussion. End of night.
Awesome.
I get home from the store, and he asks how much everything was '$80?' I said no, it was $70.
Oh, here we go. He doesn't see why I spend so much on food, we have plenty in the house, why do I like to spend so much on food, I'm there every few days, why can't I eat leftovers (may I add I've eaten pot roast 3 days in a row now and that I practically live on leftovers and nothing else). I literally apologized at least 4 times for buying food. The man seriously ate fucking moldy cornbread last night and here he is chewing my ass out for buying fresh food for us to eat. He also didn't take into account that at least $20 of that was for the mac and cheese I'm apparently now making for him to smoke for a party that Lanny and Melissa are having. So all in all, I got chewed out for spending $50 to feed us for a week.
....and believe me, I went off on him too. Don't fuck with me anymore buddy. Don't even.
So I tell him I've already apologized at least 20 times, and we are dropping this. I'm told that I am not to buy any more food for the next month.
Do you know how tempted I was to remind him of the $400 he spent on a piece of artwork last weekend??
So I start on dinner, while he goes and heats up leftovers. Fully knowing I was making us a nice dinner tonight. He proceeds to eat in the living room while I'm still cooking.
Sure I ended up eating alone, but at least it was good and fresh food.
After I eat, he's still sitting on his computer watching various u-tube clips and whatnot, so I clean up from dinner and proceed to go upstairs to start organizing the closet in my front room....the one that is so bad he honestly thinks I'm a hoarder. So I'm up there for right about an hour, and he finally comes up ' you just going to sit up here all night?' 'I can come downstairs'. 'no, don't bother, I've already closed everything up'. End of discussion. End of night.
Awesome.
05/31/13
Here's the shit I deal with on a weekly basis.
It's 5:30am. I've gotten his coffee started, his lunch ready. He comes downstairs and I go to let the pups outside. While I'm out there, a lady with two boxers walks by and of course the dogs go ballistic. I apologize to the lady and pull the pups inside. I give them a quick swat on the bum and tell them to hush and they were going to wake the whole neighborhood.
Jones peed so I unleashed him, then I go back out with May and she pees. I come in and Rob asks what was out there and I told him. He asked if Jones was barking too, and I said he was almost howling out there. I told the pups they weren't getting a treat and that was that.
Rob goes to leave for work. 'well, I'm out. Hope your day gets better'. 'What do you mean ''gets better?''. He points at the pups. I reply 'why would that give me a bad day? They are dogs. So what if they barked'. Clearly my reply makes him more upset. 'well you are out there yelling at them'. 'So? I didn't want them going crazy barking out there. That happens. I'm sorry if you think it ruined my day'. 'ugh. whatever'. As he walks out the door I tell him 'hope your day gets better'.
HA.
Only someone as negative as him would cop an attitude with me and go on and on about how my day must be 'ruined'. Oh how I tire of his attitude!!
It's 5:30am. I've gotten his coffee started, his lunch ready. He comes downstairs and I go to let the pups outside. While I'm out there, a lady with two boxers walks by and of course the dogs go ballistic. I apologize to the lady and pull the pups inside. I give them a quick swat on the bum and tell them to hush and they were going to wake the whole neighborhood.
Jones peed so I unleashed him, then I go back out with May and she pees. I come in and Rob asks what was out there and I told him. He asked if Jones was barking too, and I said he was almost howling out there. I told the pups they weren't getting a treat and that was that.
Rob goes to leave for work. 'well, I'm out. Hope your day gets better'. 'What do you mean ''gets better?''. He points at the pups. I reply 'why would that give me a bad day? They are dogs. So what if they barked'. Clearly my reply makes him more upset. 'well you are out there yelling at them'. 'So? I didn't want them going crazy barking out there. That happens. I'm sorry if you think it ruined my day'. 'ugh. whatever'. As he walks out the door I tell him 'hope your day gets better'.
HA.
Only someone as negative as him would cop an attitude with me and go on and on about how my day must be 'ruined'. Oh how I tire of his attitude!!
04/19/13
until it happens.....:
you can sorta mentally prepare for a worst case scenario. Then it presents itself and you realize how unprepared you actually were.
Rob was snippy as soon as I got in - all over an avocado. I mentioned putting some on my burger and he replied 'oh, that does sound good'. I start to cut it, and ask if he wants some. 'no'. 'you just said it sounded good' 'ok, if it'll make you happy'. 'this isn't about eating it to make me happy, I don't care if you don't want any, I was just wondering because a minute ago you said you wanted some'.
Here it begins.
He doesn't know why I keep acting like I do - I tell him the same. Naturally, and in his fashion, he denies he does anything wrong. He says I've been 'burning the candle from both ends' for a couple months now. What have I done in a couple months? When it comes to him - nothing out of the ordinary, except for the fact that when I learned he wouldn't care much about what I say, I started to treat him the same.
I tell him 'so, ok - you think I'm not doing anything, I think you aren't doing anything - let's figure out what we need to do'. His reply 'eh, I'll give it a couple more months'.
His 'list':
No more 'yelling' at the dogs. I don't yell. I speak firmly when they need it. I told him I can stop getting on their case when they chew on their feet, and we can let them chew their feet til they bleed.
Next, it is my 'duty' to give him sex every time he asks for it. I said "really??". Yes, Every time. By doing so he will apparently start to respect me more. Like it's some sort of trade off!?
He says 'his part' is 1.paying the bills. I reminded him that 3/4 of everything I make goes to him. It's not just him paying the bills. 2. He pays for me to have nice things, like a car.
With everything he says I'm more than in agreement with him and I can tell this was not the reaction he was expecting. 3. no more alcohol ever again. This is his last straw to get me to disagree most likely so he has means for the 'big D' - me not agreeing to do everything I can. He says he'll make up a list, on paper, to hang on the fridge with everything else he will require.
The best part of this - he didn't once ask what he could do. The strongest indication that he's already given up.
Just like last time he got like this and cast me aside - it's easier to give up when things get tough than to have patience and put forth effort. Not just fall asleep on the couch at 8pm every night and get testy all the time and blame me.
He also brought up how he wanted kids and I said before 'at the end of the year' and it still hasn't happened. I told him I wasn't ready until I knew we would be okay - that bringing a kid into a broken and stressed house wouldn't fix anything, but only make it worse.
He said I should put my money into fixing up the house since I seem to hate the house, I hate the neighbors, I hate the neighborhood, I apparently hate this and hate that. I told him he was being really negative, I didn't hate anything. I told him 'sure, I tire of the drama, sure there's a couple people I don't like, find someone else in this neighborhood who doesn't feel the same'. Naturally, he claims it's him. He likes everyone. I politely reminded him that I'd heard him many times calling some of them names in the past. He got quiet and I told him that he needed to stop putting on a face to try and sound better than everyone. Just to be himself, be normal. Say what he's feeling.
you can sorta mentally prepare for a worst case scenario. Then it presents itself and you realize how unprepared you actually were.
Rob was snippy as soon as I got in - all over an avocado. I mentioned putting some on my burger and he replied 'oh, that does sound good'. I start to cut it, and ask if he wants some. 'no'. 'you just said it sounded good' 'ok, if it'll make you happy'. 'this isn't about eating it to make me happy, I don't care if you don't want any, I was just wondering because a minute ago you said you wanted some'.
Here it begins.
He doesn't know why I keep acting like I do - I tell him the same. Naturally, and in his fashion, he denies he does anything wrong. He says I've been 'burning the candle from both ends' for a couple months now. What have I done in a couple months? When it comes to him - nothing out of the ordinary, except for the fact that when I learned he wouldn't care much about what I say, I started to treat him the same.
I tell him 'so, ok - you think I'm not doing anything, I think you aren't doing anything - let's figure out what we need to do'. His reply 'eh, I'll give it a couple more months'.
His 'list':
No more 'yelling' at the dogs. I don't yell. I speak firmly when they need it. I told him I can stop getting on their case when they chew on their feet, and we can let them chew their feet til they bleed.
Next, it is my 'duty' to give him sex every time he asks for it. I said "really??". Yes, Every time. By doing so he will apparently start to respect me more. Like it's some sort of trade off!?
He says 'his part' is 1.paying the bills. I reminded him that 3/4 of everything I make goes to him. It's not just him paying the bills. 2. He pays for me to have nice things, like a car.
With everything he says I'm more than in agreement with him and I can tell this was not the reaction he was expecting. 3. no more alcohol ever again. This is his last straw to get me to disagree most likely so he has means for the 'big D' - me not agreeing to do everything I can. He says he'll make up a list, on paper, to hang on the fridge with everything else he will require.
The best part of this - he didn't once ask what he could do. The strongest indication that he's already given up.
Just like last time he got like this and cast me aside - it's easier to give up when things get tough than to have patience and put forth effort. Not just fall asleep on the couch at 8pm every night and get testy all the time and blame me.
He also brought up how he wanted kids and I said before 'at the end of the year' and it still hasn't happened. I told him I wasn't ready until I knew we would be okay - that bringing a kid into a broken and stressed house wouldn't fix anything, but only make it worse.
He said I should put my money into fixing up the house since I seem to hate the house, I hate the neighbors, I hate the neighborhood, I apparently hate this and hate that. I told him he was being really negative, I didn't hate anything. I told him 'sure, I tire of the drama, sure there's a couple people I don't like, find someone else in this neighborhood who doesn't feel the same'. Naturally, he claims it's him. He likes everyone. I politely reminded him that I'd heard him many times calling some of them names in the past. He got quiet and I told him that he needed to stop putting on a face to try and sound better than everyone. Just to be himself, be normal. Say what he's feeling.
01/18/12
Why do people get married?:
I don't understand it.
People fall in love. They get married. They live happily ever after.
Right?
.....I can honestly say that I've never been 'truly' happy with a person. In the past, abusive - both physically and mentally. Now - judgmental and moody. Is this what life is? Being tied to a person that you are constantly trying to make happy only to have them constantly be mad at you for one thing or another?
This morning just after I left the house, Rob calls me to tell me that a meeting reminder popped up on his computer, reminding him that today was apparently the 6th anniversary of the first time we 'met'. I say met loosely, because it's the first time we talked online via corvetteforum. Was my reply super-ecstatic? Not really. So naturally he got upset 'well I'm sorry I bothered you then. I thought you would want to know that. I thought it was neat'. 'yeah, that is neat, hard to believe it's been that long'. My reply was basically null and void at this point in the conversation though because he was already short tempered by my reply not living up to what he expected it to be.
Fast forward to this afternoon - phone rings at work. I can tell you that just about every time he calls me at work he gets pissed off. I talk quietly, and my answers are usually a bit shorter than normal - just as his are on the rare occasion I have to call him at work. He calls to tell me that state farm called him about my fender bender, and asked me if I wanted the number to call them back. 'Sure, I can call them on my way home from work.' He starts to say the number, I write it down as he says it. After he tells me the extension of the person I need to talk to, the line goes quiet. 'Are you there?' I asked. 'Yeah - you didn't say anything so I didn't know if you were even writing down the number. I can't see you over the phone to know if you are writing it down or not' 'I'm sorry, yes I was writing it down'. Que the short temper again - I didn't reply correctly, or fast enough, or something and that set him off. I asked if he could tell me the claim number, and as fast as his mouth let him spit it out, he did. Fully knowing I couldn't write it down that fast.
So now he's pissed off. Again. At me. Big shock.
I really wonder at what point does he calm down? At what point does he chill out, take responsibility for his own actions and stop taking them out on me?
I asked him this morning 'why do you get mad at me so easily?'
His reply, in a tense, short voice 'oh, I'm not mad'....
famous last words.
Hopefully he'll be better after his trip to the gym.
I don't understand it.
People fall in love. They get married. They live happily ever after.
Right?
.....I can honestly say that I've never been 'truly' happy with a person. In the past, abusive - both physically and mentally. Now - judgmental and moody. Is this what life is? Being tied to a person that you are constantly trying to make happy only to have them constantly be mad at you for one thing or another?
This morning just after I left the house, Rob calls me to tell me that a meeting reminder popped up on his computer, reminding him that today was apparently the 6th anniversary of the first time we 'met'. I say met loosely, because it's the first time we talked online via corvetteforum. Was my reply super-ecstatic? Not really. So naturally he got upset 'well I'm sorry I bothered you then. I thought you would want to know that. I thought it was neat'. 'yeah, that is neat, hard to believe it's been that long'. My reply was basically null and void at this point in the conversation though because he was already short tempered by my reply not living up to what he expected it to be.
Fast forward to this afternoon - phone rings at work. I can tell you that just about every time he calls me at work he gets pissed off. I talk quietly, and my answers are usually a bit shorter than normal - just as his are on the rare occasion I have to call him at work. He calls to tell me that state farm called him about my fender bender, and asked me if I wanted the number to call them back. 'Sure, I can call them on my way home from work.' He starts to say the number, I write it down as he says it. After he tells me the extension of the person I need to talk to, the line goes quiet. 'Are you there?' I asked. 'Yeah - you didn't say anything so I didn't know if you were even writing down the number. I can't see you over the phone to know if you are writing it down or not' 'I'm sorry, yes I was writing it down'. Que the short temper again - I didn't reply correctly, or fast enough, or something and that set him off. I asked if he could tell me the claim number, and as fast as his mouth let him spit it out, he did. Fully knowing I couldn't write it down that fast.
So now he's pissed off. Again. At me. Big shock.
I really wonder at what point does he calm down? At what point does he chill out, take responsibility for his own actions and stop taking them out on me?
I asked him this morning 'why do you get mad at me so easily?'
His reply, in a tense, short voice 'oh, I'm not mad'....
famous last words.
Hopefully he'll be better after his trip to the gym.
12/13/12
Don't dare say no tree:
It's normal to get a tree - right? 70% of Americans get a Christmas Tree. We were supposed to have done it last weekend, but Rob had a bad hangover. He told me we could do it one night this week.
He calls me at work. Tells me he wants to go to costco on Saturday - I remind him about the tree. 'oh. Well, there's only a week left. We'll only be home 3 days until we leave for Christmas'. Which means....no tree.
Before he gets home from dinner with Chris and Jimmy tonight there will be one in the living room.
done.
It's normal to get a tree - right? 70% of Americans get a Christmas Tree. We were supposed to have done it last weekend, but Rob had a bad hangover. He told me we could do it one night this week.
He calls me at work. Tells me he wants to go to costco on Saturday - I remind him about the tree. 'oh. Well, there's only a week left. We'll only be home 3 days until we leave for Christmas'. Which means....no tree.
Before he gets home from dinner with Chris and Jimmy tonight there will be one in the living room.
done.
12/11/12
feeling so let down....:
I've spent 7 months looking for a camper. Rob knows this. He knew my price limit was $1500.....so some months back he told me to look for something up to $3,000, he would kick in the rest so we would have a camper.
Fast forward to today. 7 months of looking. Finding only 2 in nashville in that time, and seeing them both - leaving empty handed and disappointed both times.
Last week I finally find one. A tad over the limit - $2500, but $1100 to ship it from Cali to here. He knows I'm looking - even tells me to start a thread on our vette forum to see if someone else can check it out - saying how he'd hate to get it back here to find out it's rusted, leaking, etc.
I schedule someone to see it. I price out shipping.
So what does he ask tonight? 'how you going to pay for it.' I tell him I've got $2500, the motorcycle is up for sale, and I'll pay him back the shipping cost after it sells.
nope.
suddenly we 'don't have it'.
'well, since it's just SO important to you, we'll just not pay your car note for a couple months. We can pass on paying the bills, they aren't that important'.
You jackass.
Once again....my hopes up....I finally find the right one, and you pull this shit. Thanks a fucking heap. If it were something you wanted, I bet $100 we'd have the money for it. I once again wandered upstairs to cry. I've learned that crying within his range only makes him a bigger asshole.
I'm so pissed.
edit as of 12/12/12 - once he found out I was already about to buy it, he told me he'd give me $1000. Well lookie there - he did have it after all. Told him not to worry about it. I'd gotten approved for a small loan - bought it all myself. Ha.
I've spent 7 months looking for a camper. Rob knows this. He knew my price limit was $1500.....so some months back he told me to look for something up to $3,000, he would kick in the rest so we would have a camper.
Fast forward to today. 7 months of looking. Finding only 2 in nashville in that time, and seeing them both - leaving empty handed and disappointed both times.
Last week I finally find one. A tad over the limit - $2500, but $1100 to ship it from Cali to here. He knows I'm looking - even tells me to start a thread on our vette forum to see if someone else can check it out - saying how he'd hate to get it back here to find out it's rusted, leaking, etc.
I schedule someone to see it. I price out shipping.
So what does he ask tonight? 'how you going to pay for it.' I tell him I've got $2500, the motorcycle is up for sale, and I'll pay him back the shipping cost after it sells.
nope.
suddenly we 'don't have it'.
'well, since it's just SO important to you, we'll just not pay your car note for a couple months. We can pass on paying the bills, they aren't that important'.
You jackass.
Once again....my hopes up....I finally find the right one, and you pull this shit. Thanks a fucking heap. If it were something you wanted, I bet $100 we'd have the money for it. I once again wandered upstairs to cry. I've learned that crying within his range only makes him a bigger asshole.
I'm so pissed.
edit as of 12/12/12 - once he found out I was already about to buy it, he told me he'd give me $1000. Well lookie there - he did have it after all. Told him not to worry about it. I'd gotten approved for a small loan - bought it all myself. Ha.
12/11/12
The silent game:
It never fails - EVERY time I get sick he gets mad at me. Like - I'm not feeling bad enough - please, make me feel worse. I beg you.
I left work early today - got home, laid down on the couch, Rob calls and tells me 'oh, just take it easy, and get some rest. Don't worry about doing anything in the house'. So I do. I lounge like a lazy bum from about 2pm until he got home at 7.
Earlier on the phone I'd told him how I was cold and once again couldn't get the fireplace to light. He knows the thing has issues. I tell him I think it's the ignitor. Now all the sudden it's always worked for him. I even reminded him how it took him quite a few tries last time. 'Well, we can go to the fireplace store, get a new one. Should only be about $300. Maybe even $400' 'Um, I wasn't saying to buy a new one'
Too late. Here goes the rest of the night.
He mentions he's getting hungry on his drive back from Memphis. Talks about stopping somewhere, asks if we have any chicken left, I tell him yes. Subject gets changed.
Before he got home I decided to at least unload the dishwasher - like - you ever get a gut feeling about something that will happen? I had a gut feeling if I didn't unload the dishwasher, he'd get upset. So I unload it, do all the dishes, and straighten up the kitchen a bit.
He gets home - opens the oven. Asks where dinner is. I told him he didn't ask me to make it. He didn't even strongly indicate that I was supposed to make something. 'I'm sorry - I didn't know I was supposed to make something. You didn't ask me to.' 'oh, I guess you figured I don't like to eat dinner'. I don't say a word.
He then goes to show me a poster that his papaw gave his mom. I help him unroll it, and it's an old pic of him as a kid. I ask him 'did you want to frame it?'. 'I don't care what you do with it. You can throw it away. Mom gave it to you'. Seriously? Throw it away? I told him he was being really negative, this ticked him off more. He re-heated some leftovers. Carried them upstairs. Ate upstairs, and I'm assuming is already in bed.
God I love being sick.
It never fails - EVERY time I get sick he gets mad at me. Like - I'm not feeling bad enough - please, make me feel worse. I beg you.
I left work early today - got home, laid down on the couch, Rob calls and tells me 'oh, just take it easy, and get some rest. Don't worry about doing anything in the house'. So I do. I lounge like a lazy bum from about 2pm until he got home at 7.
Earlier on the phone I'd told him how I was cold and once again couldn't get the fireplace to light. He knows the thing has issues. I tell him I think it's the ignitor. Now all the sudden it's always worked for him. I even reminded him how it took him quite a few tries last time. 'Well, we can go to the fireplace store, get a new one. Should only be about $300. Maybe even $400' 'Um, I wasn't saying to buy a new one'
Too late. Here goes the rest of the night.
He mentions he's getting hungry on his drive back from Memphis. Talks about stopping somewhere, asks if we have any chicken left, I tell him yes. Subject gets changed.
Before he got home I decided to at least unload the dishwasher - like - you ever get a gut feeling about something that will happen? I had a gut feeling if I didn't unload the dishwasher, he'd get upset. So I unload it, do all the dishes, and straighten up the kitchen a bit.
He gets home - opens the oven. Asks where dinner is. I told him he didn't ask me to make it. He didn't even strongly indicate that I was supposed to make something. 'I'm sorry - I didn't know I was supposed to make something. You didn't ask me to.' 'oh, I guess you figured I don't like to eat dinner'. I don't say a word.
He then goes to show me a poster that his papaw gave his mom. I help him unroll it, and it's an old pic of him as a kid. I ask him 'did you want to frame it?'. 'I don't care what you do with it. You can throw it away. Mom gave it to you'. Seriously? Throw it away? I told him he was being really negative, this ticked him off more. He re-heated some leftovers. Carried them upstairs. Ate upstairs, and I'm assuming is already in bed.
God I love being sick.
10/15/12
Been gone 3 days.....home 1 hour, he's already testy.
Some show on TV about science. He says 'nothing else on except baseball if you would rather watch that.' Thinking he was joking, I said nothing. He got upset I didn't answer. I told him I didn't think it was an actual question, but a rhetorical one, as I don't watch sports on TV - he knows this.
Later on, I'm cleaning, he's telling me about the soup he made, partway through, he stops. I look at him and ask if he was going to finish. Apparently because I didn't look at him, he figured I wasn't listening. Asks what's wrong with me, and says apparently two days away wasn't enough.
So.....he can ignore me, but if I don't look at him when he's talking - I'm ignoring him and that's unacceptable.
got it.
This morning, as I'm getting his lunch ready, I saw the wine stopper on the counter, asked if he finished the wine. He said No, he threw it out. I asked why. He said it's because it wasn't any good, was sitting out. It's red wine. For 4 years we've left red wine sitting out. I asked what his real reason was. He repeated. Then, I said 'That's not your real reason'. He says 'you want to know why? When you drank it you got irritable with me'. This was on Wednesday. He dumped it because he was still mad 4 days later. I wasn't irritable that day either. Kinda went like last night where he got mad at something I had done, I've tried to act nonchalant in these situations, because that's how he acts - has NOT been working.
I've tried this reverse psychology thing.....treat him like he treats me. I think we are pretty close to him throwing me out. I guess I just need to go back to being a pushover and let him treat me like shit. That's all he can handle. Last night he showed absolutely no signs of missing me or being glad to see me. He figured I'd come home in a bad mood (which he did figure it was a bad weekend because of lu not showing up and we didn't finish painting). Because he assumed this - he just figured I'd come home in a bad mood, so treated me that way. Which is why the fight started.
Some show on TV about science. He says 'nothing else on except baseball if you would rather watch that.' Thinking he was joking, I said nothing. He got upset I didn't answer. I told him I didn't think it was an actual question, but a rhetorical one, as I don't watch sports on TV - he knows this.
Later on, I'm cleaning, he's telling me about the soup he made, partway through, he stops. I look at him and ask if he was going to finish. Apparently because I didn't look at him, he figured I wasn't listening. Asks what's wrong with me, and says apparently two days away wasn't enough.
So.....he can ignore me, but if I don't look at him when he's talking - I'm ignoring him and that's unacceptable.
got it.
This morning, as I'm getting his lunch ready, I saw the wine stopper on the counter, asked if he finished the wine. He said No, he threw it out. I asked why. He said it's because it wasn't any good, was sitting out. It's red wine. For 4 years we've left red wine sitting out. I asked what his real reason was. He repeated. Then, I said 'That's not your real reason'. He says 'you want to know why? When you drank it you got irritable with me'. This was on Wednesday. He dumped it because he was still mad 4 days later. I wasn't irritable that day either. Kinda went like last night where he got mad at something I had done, I've tried to act nonchalant in these situations, because that's how he acts - has NOT been working.
I've tried this reverse psychology thing.....treat him like he treats me. I think we are pretty close to him throwing me out. I guess I just need to go back to being a pushover and let him treat me like shit. That's all he can handle. Last night he showed absolutely no signs of missing me or being glad to see me. He figured I'd come home in a bad mood (which he did figure it was a bad weekend because of lu not showing up and we didn't finish painting). Because he assumed this - he just figured I'd come home in a bad mood, so treated me that way. Which is why the fight started.
09/28/12
painting:
"Maybe I paint the door before I hang this hook on it." I tell him, as he's been wanting it done for years.
"Well, you have to get approval from the HOA first on a color."
"I thought you wanted black. Everyone's is black"
"Well, you would have to go get Tommy's ladder to paint the shutters. His ladder is the only one that will reach. One of the shutters is upside down, you will have to take it down and flip it"
"you know what, you could have just said 'not today'. You don't have to go into overly complicated instructions to try and persuade me not to paint"
nothing is simple. nothing.
"Maybe I paint the door before I hang this hook on it." I tell him, as he's been wanting it done for years.
"Well, you have to get approval from the HOA first on a color."
"I thought you wanted black. Everyone's is black"
"Well, you would have to go get Tommy's ladder to paint the shutters. His ladder is the only one that will reach. One of the shutters is upside down, you will have to take it down and flip it"
"you know what, you could have just said 'not today'. You don't have to go into overly complicated instructions to try and persuade me not to paint"
nothing is simple. nothing.
09/03/2012
...and we were doing so well:
For about three weeks, things were good. No bickering, no fighting. It was nice. Now.....we are back to normal. He got upset that we are leaving for vacation on Sunday - instead of originally planned Saturday. Except that he knew this. He's known this. I was sitting right here when he called his Aunt over a month ago to let her know we'd be in one day later, since my parents would be here.
He's 'forgotten' again it seems.
So yesterday I make the mistake of asking him (politely) if he would prefer if I didn't talk to him as much. Puzzled, he asks 'why?'. " well, you are either completely annoyed with me bothering you, or you completely block me out." His reply "well, you are always either talking to the dogs or just rambling". So I walked away. That was my answer. Of course I talk to my dogs, I've got a husband who constantly ignores me, or gets offended, convinced I've got some tone or underlying evil reasoning.
Then, this morning - we start talking about the upcoming wisdom tooth removals I'm already dreading. I mentioned I need to find a time to do it, since I'll need to take a few days off work. When he got his done when he was younger, he went to school the next day - I should be able to as well.
Really.
Needless to say, I'll make sure either my sister or dad is up here to take care of me when I go in. He gets mad with me when I have a cold. I can't even imagine surgery.
ugh.
For about three weeks, things were good. No bickering, no fighting. It was nice. Now.....we are back to normal. He got upset that we are leaving for vacation on Sunday - instead of originally planned Saturday. Except that he knew this. He's known this. I was sitting right here when he called his Aunt over a month ago to let her know we'd be in one day later, since my parents would be here.
He's 'forgotten' again it seems.
So yesterday I make the mistake of asking him (politely) if he would prefer if I didn't talk to him as much. Puzzled, he asks 'why?'. " well, you are either completely annoyed with me bothering you, or you completely block me out." His reply "well, you are always either talking to the dogs or just rambling". So I walked away. That was my answer. Of course I talk to my dogs, I've got a husband who constantly ignores me, or gets offended, convinced I've got some tone or underlying evil reasoning.
Then, this morning - we start talking about the upcoming wisdom tooth removals I'm already dreading. I mentioned I need to find a time to do it, since I'll need to take a few days off work. When he got his done when he was younger, he went to school the next day - I should be able to as well.
Really.
Needless to say, I'll make sure either my sister or dad is up here to take care of me when I go in. He gets mad with me when I have a cold. I can't even imagine surgery.
ugh.
08/29/12
sh!t my huband says:
I get home from work last night. A bit tired, a bit frazzled from traffic. Nothing out of the ordinary. He notices I'm a bit quiet, and asks 'What's the matter? Bad day?" To which I reply "no, not really. Just frustrated and tired. That's all." "Frustrated? You don't like your job??" "um, no - job is going great. Just get frustrated with traffic. I don't understand why people insist on blocking me from getting onto the interstate. It's like they are just so vengeful that they do their absolute best to piss off people who are just trying to go home. Just like them. It's not like I'm cutting people off to get ahead - that's just where I have to get onto the interstate. I really just hate people...." Oh....I should have never said a word.
"Well, I don't see why you get frustrated and hate people. Maybe you need to go get some help". Oh shit fire, here we go again. My witty reply: "Yeah - I think you are just too happy. It's not normal. Maybe you should get some help too" As if by my saying this, he'll even begin to see this from another point of view. "You know what, if you are going to be this way, you can stay here, and I'll just go to dinner with Alan alone."
Oh here's the can of worms that you just opened dear husband.....I went off. "Really? If you are going to sit here and get upset when I tell you what is frustrating me, then DON'T ASK. I'm in a bad mood? Ignore it. Apparently you cannot handle hearing what bothers other people without letting it affect you, so just don't even bother to ask. Let me come home frustrated, relax for a few minutes, and I'll be fine. OR, you can ask what's wrong, I'll tell you, and you'll get mad. If you think I need 'help' just because I get frustrated in traffic, then just about everyone on this planet should also seek professional help. EVERYONE gets frustrated in traffic. This is how I deal with it. You don't cope with a bad day the way I do, do you? No. Do I sit here and attack you and tell you that you need 'help' because you deal with it differently? No. Nor will I. You are a different person. You handle things differently. I don't always agree with it, but do I try to change you? No. I accept you, just as you should accept me. Plain and simple."
My rant ended. He was quiet.
Argument ended. I'm amazed.
I get home from work last night. A bit tired, a bit frazzled from traffic. Nothing out of the ordinary. He notices I'm a bit quiet, and asks 'What's the matter? Bad day?" To which I reply "no, not really. Just frustrated and tired. That's all." "Frustrated? You don't like your job??" "um, no - job is going great. Just get frustrated with traffic. I don't understand why people insist on blocking me from getting onto the interstate. It's like they are just so vengeful that they do their absolute best to piss off people who are just trying to go home. Just like them. It's not like I'm cutting people off to get ahead - that's just where I have to get onto the interstate. I really just hate people...." Oh....I should have never said a word.
"Well, I don't see why you get frustrated and hate people. Maybe you need to go get some help". Oh shit fire, here we go again. My witty reply: "Yeah - I think you are just too happy. It's not normal. Maybe you should get some help too" As if by my saying this, he'll even begin to see this from another point of view. "You know what, if you are going to be this way, you can stay here, and I'll just go to dinner with Alan alone."
Oh here's the can of worms that you just opened dear husband.....I went off. "Really? If you are going to sit here and get upset when I tell you what is frustrating me, then DON'T ASK. I'm in a bad mood? Ignore it. Apparently you cannot handle hearing what bothers other people without letting it affect you, so just don't even bother to ask. Let me come home frustrated, relax for a few minutes, and I'll be fine. OR, you can ask what's wrong, I'll tell you, and you'll get mad. If you think I need 'help' just because I get frustrated in traffic, then just about everyone on this planet should also seek professional help. EVERYONE gets frustrated in traffic. This is how I deal with it. You don't cope with a bad day the way I do, do you? No. Do I sit here and attack you and tell you that you need 'help' because you deal with it differently? No. Nor will I. You are a different person. You handle things differently. I don't always agree with it, but do I try to change you? No. I accept you, just as you should accept me. Plain and simple."
My rant ended. He was quiet.
Argument ended. I'm amazed.
08/09/12
.....and this is what it takes:
I opted not to go to cruise in tonight - we just got Dora's remains back, and I just wanted to stay home. He said 'ok, well you are still going with me tomorrow night and saturday aren't you?' 'Yeah, that's the plan'. 'I know you have your thing Saturday morning', and I reply with 'which one?' 'What do you mean which one?' Obviously forgetting our conversation with Cindy just yesterday about the charity ride I'd been debating about going to. So I remind him which follows with: 'oh, well, I thought the Wilson county fair was more important to you'. And there it is. The comment of attitude, which will ruin the whole night.
I tell him 'can you phrase that a little nicer??' 'What, I didn't say anything wrong'. 'It's how you phrase it. I really don't need to deal with your snide comments tonight', and I proceed to go upstairs with nasty little remarks as I walk up the stairs. Once again he left here saying I caused it because I took it the wrong way. It must have absolutely nothing to do with how he phrases things to sound so smart assy.
FML
I opted not to go to cruise in tonight - we just got Dora's remains back, and I just wanted to stay home. He said 'ok, well you are still going with me tomorrow night and saturday aren't you?' 'Yeah, that's the plan'. 'I know you have your thing Saturday morning', and I reply with 'which one?' 'What do you mean which one?' Obviously forgetting our conversation with Cindy just yesterday about the charity ride I'd been debating about going to. So I remind him which follows with: 'oh, well, I thought the Wilson county fair was more important to you'. And there it is. The comment of attitude, which will ruin the whole night.
I tell him 'can you phrase that a little nicer??' 'What, I didn't say anything wrong'. 'It's how you phrase it. I really don't need to deal with your snide comments tonight', and I proceed to go upstairs with nasty little remarks as I walk up the stairs. Once again he left here saying I caused it because I took it the wrong way. It must have absolutely nothing to do with how he phrases things to sound so smart assy.
FML
08/07/12
You did not just say that....: (this post follows just 2 days after having to put Dora to sleep)
Made it most the way through an evening out with Rob and Alan, I couldn't help but get depressed towards the end of the night, avoiding bursting into tears while we were out. On our way back I start to cry......I actually made it through most of the day avoiding it.
Yes, my crying turned into an argument. Instead of just patting my leg or shoulder to reassure me, it turns into 20 questions 'would you have rather left her until her heart completely failed and she couldn't walk at all anymore?' My reply was just to leave me alone and let me cry - followed by 'well, have you lost a pet before? or a family member? I guess I'm ok since I'm older' Seriously? So being the smart ass I am I replied 'yeah, you are just so much older and wiser, knowing the proper way to mourn'. 'Well, how long you going to be like this? a week? two weeks? a month? a year? two years?' seriously, shut the fuck up and let me cry!!!!
He already got upset that I didn't go to work on Monday. He was 100% supportive and there for me for about the first 8 hours......once I wouldn't snap out of it, he got pissed - called me 'unrealistic', which resulted in me talking to dave for an hour at 1am just because I had to have someone to talk to, and he refused to even come to bed because of my 'attitude'.
thanks a f'n heap you sensitive and supporting husband.
thanks.
Made it most the way through an evening out with Rob and Alan, I couldn't help but get depressed towards the end of the night, avoiding bursting into tears while we were out. On our way back I start to cry......I actually made it through most of the day avoiding it.
Yes, my crying turned into an argument. Instead of just patting my leg or shoulder to reassure me, it turns into 20 questions 'would you have rather left her until her heart completely failed and she couldn't walk at all anymore?' My reply was just to leave me alone and let me cry - followed by 'well, have you lost a pet before? or a family member? I guess I'm ok since I'm older' Seriously? So being the smart ass I am I replied 'yeah, you are just so much older and wiser, knowing the proper way to mourn'. 'Well, how long you going to be like this? a week? two weeks? a month? a year? two years?' seriously, shut the fuck up and let me cry!!!!
He already got upset that I didn't go to work on Monday. He was 100% supportive and there for me for about the first 8 hours......once I wouldn't snap out of it, he got pissed - called me 'unrealistic', which resulted in me talking to dave for an hour at 1am just because I had to have someone to talk to, and he refused to even come to bed because of my 'attitude'.
thanks a f'n heap you sensitive and supporting husband.
thanks.
07/16/12
'date night':
Was a nightmare.
Met at Yazoo Brewery and had a couple beers while talking with Brandi and Brian. We had a gift card for a chain of pricey, trendy restaurants in that area, and that was the plan. When we were getting ready to leave, he suggested we go to 'The Pharmacy' - a trendy burger place down the road. So we get there, and it's at least an hour wait. They had a long line and I told him I wasn't going to wait an hour for a burger - he suggests another place, and as we are about to pull up, I asked 'how expensive is this place?'. 'Well, it won't be cheap, but you wanted a date night'. I snapped. Guilting me when all this was his idea! I pulled over, started crying. Petty reason to cry? Sure, but I had so much frustration about his behavior built up, that his snide little comment set me off. I told him all the things I'd been upset about - in standard fashion he was more annoyed than anything, and I asked him to drive home - I didn't know the way and wasn't in the mood to take direction from him. Asking that favor led to him out of nowhere, mocking how he thinks I drive my car - grinding the gear, lurching, slamming on the brakes saying things like 'see, now I drive like you. I should have bought you an automatic, since you can't seem to drive a stick' and yada yada yada......really? I'm sitting here bawling my eyes out, and this is your solution?? Further mocking me?
We got home and I flat out ignored him for at least an hour - sitting on the bed reading, calming down. He actually came up there. A first. We talked, more politely....I explained to him how important he is to me, and how badly he's been hurting me with his petty comments. He apologized and the rest of the night went better. This was all new for him, and I was quite surprised. Maybe there is hope.
However last night he ticked me off again - it came back to the camper. We have to put it in the garage, and I suggested putting the bikes in the dining room, since we never use it. This wasn't going to work - clearly. He was afraid of what his parents would think when they came to visit. So I told him I'd bring the camper to GA and dad and I could work on it, he wouldn't have to see it. He said 'fine, but bring back every single receipt for gas, and we'll deduct that from your savings'. Seriously?? Goes back to the IM conversation where he told me I had to sell it. Then he suggested I sell my bike, I don't use it often anyway.....I told him I can bring that to GA too and he won't have to be worried about it. His reply? "well, so ahead and take the dogs too since you seem to be moving your things down there". Naturally, he should be allowed to have a house full of things he never uses, but it's somehow 'different' than me keeping my own motorcycle. So - I listed that on Craigslist too. Just to make him happy.
Anyway - guy came to look at the camper yesterday, offered me $750 on it and without skipping a beat, I said 'ok'. Rob asked why I didn't negotiate for $800, and all I said was 'you wanted it gone, now it's gone'. Oh.....and so...the woman that was over with the guy to get the camper, asked me about our patio - who had done it, etc.....I told her to ask Rob, he has the guy's info. He goes and tells her that HE did it. Really? Is his ego so blown, or his self confidence so low that he would tell someone he poured, stamped, and stained our patio? All he did was write the check to the guy that did.
I don't know what his deal is lately......but it needs to end. I'm thinking it's low self esteem and lack of self confidence. He continually says how I have these issues, I need counseling, I'm the negative one - but here are two signs of low self confidence:
"3. Guilt. He always tells you "Look what I have done for you!" Somehow all events and conversations turns to it is about him and what HE has done for you
4. Your Fault. Any disagreements or strife is always gets turned around to somehow it was your fault that created it. HE never takes accountability for his own behavior"
Two things I hear over and over in arguments. Now I don't claim to be perfect - I screw up a lot, but I can admit my weaknesses, not blame them on someone else. I do love him more than anything and want so desperately to get past this....I just wish he would realize he isn't perfect - and learn to embrace it.
Was a nightmare.
Met at Yazoo Brewery and had a couple beers while talking with Brandi and Brian. We had a gift card for a chain of pricey, trendy restaurants in that area, and that was the plan. When we were getting ready to leave, he suggested we go to 'The Pharmacy' - a trendy burger place down the road. So we get there, and it's at least an hour wait. They had a long line and I told him I wasn't going to wait an hour for a burger - he suggests another place, and as we are about to pull up, I asked 'how expensive is this place?'. 'Well, it won't be cheap, but you wanted a date night'. I snapped. Guilting me when all this was his idea! I pulled over, started crying. Petty reason to cry? Sure, but I had so much frustration about his behavior built up, that his snide little comment set me off. I told him all the things I'd been upset about - in standard fashion he was more annoyed than anything, and I asked him to drive home - I didn't know the way and wasn't in the mood to take direction from him. Asking that favor led to him out of nowhere, mocking how he thinks I drive my car - grinding the gear, lurching, slamming on the brakes saying things like 'see, now I drive like you. I should have bought you an automatic, since you can't seem to drive a stick' and yada yada yada......really? I'm sitting here bawling my eyes out, and this is your solution?? Further mocking me?
We got home and I flat out ignored him for at least an hour - sitting on the bed reading, calming down. He actually came up there. A first. We talked, more politely....I explained to him how important he is to me, and how badly he's been hurting me with his petty comments. He apologized and the rest of the night went better. This was all new for him, and I was quite surprised. Maybe there is hope.
However last night he ticked me off again - it came back to the camper. We have to put it in the garage, and I suggested putting the bikes in the dining room, since we never use it. This wasn't going to work - clearly. He was afraid of what his parents would think when they came to visit. So I told him I'd bring the camper to GA and dad and I could work on it, he wouldn't have to see it. He said 'fine, but bring back every single receipt for gas, and we'll deduct that from your savings'. Seriously?? Goes back to the IM conversation where he told me I had to sell it. Then he suggested I sell my bike, I don't use it often anyway.....I told him I can bring that to GA too and he won't have to be worried about it. His reply? "well, so ahead and take the dogs too since you seem to be moving your things down there". Naturally, he should be allowed to have a house full of things he never uses, but it's somehow 'different' than me keeping my own motorcycle. So - I listed that on Craigslist too. Just to make him happy.
Anyway - guy came to look at the camper yesterday, offered me $750 on it and without skipping a beat, I said 'ok'. Rob asked why I didn't negotiate for $800, and all I said was 'you wanted it gone, now it's gone'. Oh.....and so...the woman that was over with the guy to get the camper, asked me about our patio - who had done it, etc.....I told her to ask Rob, he has the guy's info. He goes and tells her that HE did it. Really? Is his ego so blown, or his self confidence so low that he would tell someone he poured, stamped, and stained our patio? All he did was write the check to the guy that did.
I don't know what his deal is lately......but it needs to end. I'm thinking it's low self esteem and lack of self confidence. He continually says how I have these issues, I need counseling, I'm the negative one - but here are two signs of low self confidence:
"3. Guilt. He always tells you "Look what I have done for you!" Somehow all events and conversations turns to it is about him and what HE has done for you
4. Your Fault. Any disagreements or strife is always gets turned around to somehow it was your fault that created it. HE never takes accountability for his own behavior"
Two things I hear over and over in arguments. Now I don't claim to be perfect - I screw up a lot, but I can admit my weaknesses, not blame them on someone else. I do love him more than anything and want so desperately to get past this....I just wish he would realize he isn't perfect - and learn to embrace it.
07/12/12
Anger, Disappointment, No Support:
I swear - sometimes he can be the biggest asshole. So I find out that I didn't make the team....should I have been surprised? No, not really. Was I still disappointed? Absolutely. I was the 5th best skater, but lack the beautiful hair that all the other girls had.
So I PM him to tell him that I didn't make the team, that next year I'll get extensions or something and a better outfit and that he's off the hook this year, because I would have needed new skates anyway since mine are 16 years old, and my ankles are still bruised from Sunday's tryouts....and it's now Thursday.
Told him that maybe for Christmas I can get new boots. His first response? '$1000?'. I told him no, that there were some on sale for $250 - sent him a link to some that were on closeout for $270. 'oh, so they aren't $250, more like $300'. I explained that it was just one link to some that were on sale - there were others that were less.
I tell him I want to skate a couple times a month, he automatically says that's fine, he'll cancel the membership to the Y.....since the $20 it will cost me will surely break the bank and we just can't afford all this. Like he's trying to make me feel guilty about wanting to do something.
This opens a can of worms. Here I am fighting back tears from an insensitive husband who didn't give me one supportive word that I didn't make the team, but instead lectured me about spending money. How I used to be frugal, and now that we are married I just love spending all his money, buying a camper, new work clothes, a bike'. I reminded him that the camper and bike were bought with money I got from the selling the moped I won - and that when we just dropped $1300 on disc brakes for the VW with the b-day money he was given, I didn't say a word to him. He says that's different. Then he brings up the townhouse, asking if it's paid off (he knows it's not, we just had this discussion last month) So....I owe on something, I should never buy myself another thing until it's paid off. He owes on things, he can buy what he wants, and it's somehow different. Then he brings up about the tattoo I want, that'll cost money too ($75). I reminded him that I was supposed to get it for my b-day AND I ended up having to return another gift he'd given me ($100 I won't see again - since I was suppose to use it towards a wide angle, that now I can't get either).
I could be one of these snotty materialistic women who like designer clothes, expensive shoes, and $300 purses, but I'm not. I spent a couple hundred bucks he told me to spend on a new work wardrobe at kohl's and spend the rest of my money on groceries and gas......and I'm told I need to cut corners.
I was also just told that I am to sell my camper. Since it'll cost money to keep it in storage. I told him that it's mine - I'll do with it what I want. And now I can't go pick up my pics at costco, and that we will not be entering anything in the wilson county fair (total cost for everything I'm doing for it - $17) Seventeen dollars.
I'm trying to not cry....and I'm so mad that I'm shaking and could puke. I'll only assume this voids out date night tomorrow that we had planned.....with HIS suggestion of stopping by the tattoo place. HA!!!
I swear - sometimes he can be the biggest asshole. So I find out that I didn't make the team....should I have been surprised? No, not really. Was I still disappointed? Absolutely. I was the 5th best skater, but lack the beautiful hair that all the other girls had.
So I PM him to tell him that I didn't make the team, that next year I'll get extensions or something and a better outfit and that he's off the hook this year, because I would have needed new skates anyway since mine are 16 years old, and my ankles are still bruised from Sunday's tryouts....and it's now Thursday.
Told him that maybe for Christmas I can get new boots. His first response? '$1000?'. I told him no, that there were some on sale for $250 - sent him a link to some that were on closeout for $270. 'oh, so they aren't $250, more like $300'. I explained that it was just one link to some that were on sale - there were others that were less.
I tell him I want to skate a couple times a month, he automatically says that's fine, he'll cancel the membership to the Y.....since the $20 it will cost me will surely break the bank and we just can't afford all this. Like he's trying to make me feel guilty about wanting to do something.
This opens a can of worms. Here I am fighting back tears from an insensitive husband who didn't give me one supportive word that I didn't make the team, but instead lectured me about spending money. How I used to be frugal, and now that we are married I just love spending all his money, buying a camper, new work clothes, a bike'. I reminded him that the camper and bike were bought with money I got from the selling the moped I won - and that when we just dropped $1300 on disc brakes for the VW with the b-day money he was given, I didn't say a word to him. He says that's different. Then he brings up the townhouse, asking if it's paid off (he knows it's not, we just had this discussion last month) So....I owe on something, I should never buy myself another thing until it's paid off. He owes on things, he can buy what he wants, and it's somehow different. Then he brings up about the tattoo I want, that'll cost money too ($75). I reminded him that I was supposed to get it for my b-day AND I ended up having to return another gift he'd given me ($100 I won't see again - since I was suppose to use it towards a wide angle, that now I can't get either).
I could be one of these snotty materialistic women who like designer clothes, expensive shoes, and $300 purses, but I'm not. I spent a couple hundred bucks he told me to spend on a new work wardrobe at kohl's and spend the rest of my money on groceries and gas......and I'm told I need to cut corners.
I was also just told that I am to sell my camper. Since it'll cost money to keep it in storage. I told him that it's mine - I'll do with it what I want. And now I can't go pick up my pics at costco, and that we will not be entering anything in the wilson county fair (total cost for everything I'm doing for it - $17) Seventeen dollars.
I'm trying to not cry....and I'm so mad that I'm shaking and could puke. I'll only assume this voids out date night tomorrow that we had planned.....with HIS suggestion of stopping by the tattoo place. HA!!!
02/08/12
Miserable. I'm so unbearably miserable, and married to an asshole who could care less. Last night I sat upstairs bawling my eyes out for over an hour, hoping more than anything that this would be the time he'd come up, apologize and comfort me. In 4 years......this has never happened. When he makes me upset, he either sits downstairs emotionless on his computer, or watching TV, acting more like he's just relieved I left him alone. Blank. ignorance is bliss moron. You have no idea what you've done to me in 4 years. none. You never will. You will never have a clue just how mean you can be. I hope one day I upset you. I hope I make you HURT and CRY and question everything about yourself. I hope you know one day what it feels like to feel like you are being judged by me with everything you do. That you feel you've lost who you used to be because my way is always going to be better than yours.
Wise up jerk. Wise up before you lose me forever. Just because we are married doesn't mean I can't leave you for treating me like shit. Yes.....you can really be that bad. You accuse me day and night for your bad moods. You wonder why I have no self confidence? Yeah buddy - it's because of YOU!! Stop blaming me for your problems. Let me be happy. Put my happiness above all other things. I'm your wife now - it's about time you treated me like it!!
I've tried that 'reverse psychology' thing on you. I've tried to answer your questions with the sheer stupidity and sarcasm that you answer mine in. Never seems to go over well. But I could never treat you like you treat me. Never. I've been the receiver of all things mean from many people. I'll be damned if I spend the next 60 years of my life hearing it from you.
Treat me as a person.
Treat me as your wife.
Treat me with RESPECT.
LOVE ME.
ACCEPT ME.
your words and attitude hurt me more than you know.....and you care so little to even realize it.
wake up.
Wise up jerk. Wise up before you lose me forever. Just because we are married doesn't mean I can't leave you for treating me like shit. Yes.....you can really be that bad. You accuse me day and night for your bad moods. You wonder why I have no self confidence? Yeah buddy - it's because of YOU!! Stop blaming me for your problems. Let me be happy. Put my happiness above all other things. I'm your wife now - it's about time you treated me like it!!
I've tried that 'reverse psychology' thing on you. I've tried to answer your questions with the sheer stupidity and sarcasm that you answer mine in. Never seems to go over well. But I could never treat you like you treat me. Never. I've been the receiver of all things mean from many people. I'll be damned if I spend the next 60 years of my life hearing it from you.
Treat me as a person.
Treat me as your wife.
Treat me with RESPECT.
LOVE ME.
ACCEPT ME.
your words and attitude hurt me more than you know.....and you care so little to even realize it.
wake up.
12/21/11
Judged:
You and I have been together for more than three years now. That's a lengthy amount of time, and you would think, time to learn and trust someone.
Here's a few facts we need to get out there:
1.) I am not with you for money. I do not ask you for money. I do not ask you for fancy or expensive things. It's been 3 years, and if you tell me one more time 'sometimes I wonder if you are with me just for money' then I will walk out that door for good. If I hear you tell me that I need to 'contribute financially' one more time, I will smack you. All of my paychecks go into OUR account, which means you have full control over every cent I make. I hope I made this clear the last time you told me this, and I reminded you that you have ALL my money.
2.) You are not perfect. You nag when I leave a fork in the sink, but I should not be affected when you leave moldy plates and cups upstairs for a week at a time. And yes, it is the same. It bothers me as much as my fork in the sink bothers you, I just don't make a big deal out of it like some people do.
3.) You have bad days. Don't blame me when you are stressed out from work (and yes, you do get that way sometimes) and don't ask me if I need food when you have a bad day and want me to feel that it's really me that's having a bad day. You are human. You are not perfect. You have just as many flaws as me, and honestly, many are EXACTLY the same. I've just learned how to communicate with you when you have them, instead of blaming my bad days on you, and making you feel that you were at fault for causing it.
4.) If you are going to dish out sarcasm, be prepared to get it in return. As I walked in from work with an opened egg nog, you asked 'does it have rum in it?' Assuming it was a joke, I replied with one 'yeah, we keep it stocked at work'. I expected a chuckle from my reply, and instead you got mad at me, once again. It was a joke from the moment you opened your mouth.
5.) There is usually more than one way to do things. Most all things. I may do something different than you. It does not make my way wrong. It does not make your way wrong. Don't criticize my way because it is different than yours. Do not make me do something your way because you are convinced it's so much better than mine. Just let me be me.
6.) When I get sick, please do not get mad at me. When you are sick, please do not get mad at me. I no longer dread getting sick simply because it's a miserable feeling, but I know that because I act differently as a result of not feeling well, you will likely get upset with me, and tell me I'm in a bad mood, and grumpy, and it makes me feel that much worse because now you are mad at me. Treat me like I treat you when you don't feel well. With love, compassion, and respect. I promise, it's not hard, and it is very much appreciated.
You and I have been together for more than three years now. That's a lengthy amount of time, and you would think, time to learn and trust someone.
Here's a few facts we need to get out there:
1.) I am not with you for money. I do not ask you for money. I do not ask you for fancy or expensive things. It's been 3 years, and if you tell me one more time 'sometimes I wonder if you are with me just for money' then I will walk out that door for good. If I hear you tell me that I need to 'contribute financially' one more time, I will smack you. All of my paychecks go into OUR account, which means you have full control over every cent I make. I hope I made this clear the last time you told me this, and I reminded you that you have ALL my money.
2.) You are not perfect. You nag when I leave a fork in the sink, but I should not be affected when you leave moldy plates and cups upstairs for a week at a time. And yes, it is the same. It bothers me as much as my fork in the sink bothers you, I just don't make a big deal out of it like some people do.
3.) You have bad days. Don't blame me when you are stressed out from work (and yes, you do get that way sometimes) and don't ask me if I need food when you have a bad day and want me to feel that it's really me that's having a bad day. You are human. You are not perfect. You have just as many flaws as me, and honestly, many are EXACTLY the same. I've just learned how to communicate with you when you have them, instead of blaming my bad days on you, and making you feel that you were at fault for causing it.
4.) If you are going to dish out sarcasm, be prepared to get it in return. As I walked in from work with an opened egg nog, you asked 'does it have rum in it?' Assuming it was a joke, I replied with one 'yeah, we keep it stocked at work'. I expected a chuckle from my reply, and instead you got mad at me, once again. It was a joke from the moment you opened your mouth.
5.) There is usually more than one way to do things. Most all things. I may do something different than you. It does not make my way wrong. It does not make your way wrong. Don't criticize my way because it is different than yours. Do not make me do something your way because you are convinced it's so much better than mine. Just let me be me.
6.) When I get sick, please do not get mad at me. When you are sick, please do not get mad at me. I no longer dread getting sick simply because it's a miserable feeling, but I know that because I act differently as a result of not feeling well, you will likely get upset with me, and tell me I'm in a bad mood, and grumpy, and it makes me feel that much worse because now you are mad at me. Treat me like I treat you when you don't feel well. With love, compassion, and respect. I promise, it's not hard, and it is very much appreciated.
09/08/11
less than 3 weeks until the wedding.
Am I happy and glowing? No.
Am I excited about what is supposed to be the happiest day of my life? No.
My family feels like it's falling apart. The vast majority of my co-workers are just illiterate drama queens, and my soon to be husband is the epitome of unsympathetic.
I cried myself to sleep last night. Right after a talk with him where I told him how upset I was about my family, and explained to him that he needs to stop doubting aspects of our relationship simply because my family is not exactly like his. He is, by far, the least understanding person I have ever met. No sympathy, and even less patience. Last night I pulled a 'him'. (and didn't realize it until after). I asked for my car keys so I could lock my car, and upon hearing him 'huff' because he didn't know where they were within the first .1 seconds, said 'don't worry, I'll get them', which was followed by my keys being thrown from the kitchen to the front door, where they hit the door. Really? How many times in the past have you asked me for something, and if you didn't hear my voice, or see me produce that item in .1 seconds, you proceed to say you will just get it? It's a weekly occurrence, and you denied tonight that it ever happens. Yet, I do it to you and you feel the need to throw my item across the house.
On the drive home last night I was on the phone with him - asked him why earlier that day he showed concern for why my family functions like it does, and once again asked 'are we going to have to support your parents and sister?'. We have beat this dead horse time and time again, and in a last ditch effort to convince him again that we won't be, he gets silent on the end of the phone. I ask if he's even still there, thinking my phone has dropped the call, and I hear 'yeah, just watching football.'. Nice. I will assume that means you heard me and you will never, ever bring this topic up again.
So don't sit there and tell me you aren't unsympathetic. Don't. You will show sympathy for a vast majority of the people you know, but when it comes you me, you expect me to be happy, cheery at all times, and when I'm not, you become the absolute last person I care to talk to. You show absolutely no compassion towards me. None. If I'm sick, sad, hurt, or depressed - you have shown that you will not be there to comfort me, tell me it will all be okay, or even just give me a hug. You will be there to get upset at me, because whatever the problem, it's just thrown off your day.
I'll keep this in mind the next time you are sick or have a bad day.
Happy f'n monday.
Am I happy and glowing? No.
Am I excited about what is supposed to be the happiest day of my life? No.
My family feels like it's falling apart. The vast majority of my co-workers are just illiterate drama queens, and my soon to be husband is the epitome of unsympathetic.
I cried myself to sleep last night. Right after a talk with him where I told him how upset I was about my family, and explained to him that he needs to stop doubting aspects of our relationship simply because my family is not exactly like his. He is, by far, the least understanding person I have ever met. No sympathy, and even less patience. Last night I pulled a 'him'. (and didn't realize it until after). I asked for my car keys so I could lock my car, and upon hearing him 'huff' because he didn't know where they were within the first .1 seconds, said 'don't worry, I'll get them', which was followed by my keys being thrown from the kitchen to the front door, where they hit the door. Really? How many times in the past have you asked me for something, and if you didn't hear my voice, or see me produce that item in .1 seconds, you proceed to say you will just get it? It's a weekly occurrence, and you denied tonight that it ever happens. Yet, I do it to you and you feel the need to throw my item across the house.
On the drive home last night I was on the phone with him - asked him why earlier that day he showed concern for why my family functions like it does, and once again asked 'are we going to have to support your parents and sister?'. We have beat this dead horse time and time again, and in a last ditch effort to convince him again that we won't be, he gets silent on the end of the phone. I ask if he's even still there, thinking my phone has dropped the call, and I hear 'yeah, just watching football.'. Nice. I will assume that means you heard me and you will never, ever bring this topic up again.
So don't sit there and tell me you aren't unsympathetic. Don't. You will show sympathy for a vast majority of the people you know, but when it comes you me, you expect me to be happy, cheery at all times, and when I'm not, you become the absolute last person I care to talk to. You show absolutely no compassion towards me. None. If I'm sick, sad, hurt, or depressed - you have shown that you will not be there to comfort me, tell me it will all be okay, or even just give me a hug. You will be there to get upset at me, because whatever the problem, it's just thrown off your day.
I'll keep this in mind the next time you are sick or have a bad day.
Happy f'n monday.
09/06/11
So we went today to get our marriage license. This should be a loving memorable thing. Not a 'let's bicker half the way home, then not talk for the rest of the afternoon thing'.
We were supposed to meet up with the cake and photo people today, which is why I took a half day at work today. Theoretically I could go drive back to work and work another 2 hours. He had to work, so I figured I would go meet with the cake people. 'Well, have you heard back from the other cake people yet'. 'No, I just emailed them today.' Well, can you call them? Do you have the number?" Before I could even reach in my purse to look up the number, he pulled out his phone to do it (since I was entirely too slow in that .2 seconds) to call while he was driving....in the rain....in 30mph winds. Really? It's called patience. Get some.
So in order to reschedule the photographer, it either had to be thursday or friday. Well, I WAS planning on going to Atlanta to visit with mom since dad was out of town, maybe do a little shopping, and then hang out with Jen or Chris. This was no issue on Saturday (he was looking forward to his 'bachelor' weekend).....apparently now it is. 'That's all we need, you going down there to spend more money'. really? 'Okay then, I just won't go'. This is followed by him sounding like he was trying to convince me to go 2 seconds after trying to prevent me FROM going. Look - I know you are stressed. I know you are stressed right now - I get it. But for once - do not take it out on me. Do not blame it on me. You can deny it until you are blue in the face, but yes Mr. Perfect - you get stressed, you get PMS, and you do have bad days. You must learn to stop getting upset with me for every single thing I do!
So.....this memorable day of getting our marriage license leads to us 'debating', followed by not talking, and coming in the door as he just tosses our license on the wine cabinet. Such a happy, romantic day.
So I go upstairs where he is already on his computer working, and quietly and calmly ask him if he wants me to go meet with the photographer and cake people so that it's done. 'Well, if you don't want me to be involved in this'. REALLY? You choose NOW to even act like you care. If you really did care, and want to be involved then why can't you be normal, and POLITE and just say 'I'd rather we reschedule because I really would like to do this together.' Is that so hard? Would it kill you to be polite when responding to me for once?
.....such a romantic milestone for us. No doubt this will go in my 'can't get it out of my head' memory bank.
All this crap on top of the fact he made me ask my unemployed parents to pay for half the wedding to prove that I wasn't only marrying him for money. I would not get a reception, a dance, nor are my friends allowed to be there. I was told I can have either friends or family, but not both.
We were supposed to meet up with the cake and photo people today, which is why I took a half day at work today. Theoretically I could go drive back to work and work another 2 hours. He had to work, so I figured I would go meet with the cake people. 'Well, have you heard back from the other cake people yet'. 'No, I just emailed them today.' Well, can you call them? Do you have the number?" Before I could even reach in my purse to look up the number, he pulled out his phone to do it (since I was entirely too slow in that .2 seconds) to call while he was driving....in the rain....in 30mph winds. Really? It's called patience. Get some.
So in order to reschedule the photographer, it either had to be thursday or friday. Well, I WAS planning on going to Atlanta to visit with mom since dad was out of town, maybe do a little shopping, and then hang out with Jen or Chris. This was no issue on Saturday (he was looking forward to his 'bachelor' weekend).....apparently now it is. 'That's all we need, you going down there to spend more money'. really? 'Okay then, I just won't go'. This is followed by him sounding like he was trying to convince me to go 2 seconds after trying to prevent me FROM going. Look - I know you are stressed. I know you are stressed right now - I get it. But for once - do not take it out on me. Do not blame it on me. You can deny it until you are blue in the face, but yes Mr. Perfect - you get stressed, you get PMS, and you do have bad days. You must learn to stop getting upset with me for every single thing I do!
So.....this memorable day of getting our marriage license leads to us 'debating', followed by not talking, and coming in the door as he just tosses our license on the wine cabinet. Such a happy, romantic day.
So I go upstairs where he is already on his computer working, and quietly and calmly ask him if he wants me to go meet with the photographer and cake people so that it's done. 'Well, if you don't want me to be involved in this'. REALLY? You choose NOW to even act like you care. If you really did care, and want to be involved then why can't you be normal, and POLITE and just say 'I'd rather we reschedule because I really would like to do this together.' Is that so hard? Would it kill you to be polite when responding to me for once?
.....such a romantic milestone for us. No doubt this will go in my 'can't get it out of my head' memory bank.
All this crap on top of the fact he made me ask my unemployed parents to pay for half the wedding to prove that I wasn't only marrying him for money. I would not get a reception, a dance, nor are my friends allowed to be there. I was told I can have either friends or family, but not both.
10/12/10
Sweet boyfriend:
I have a request of you. Please think before you speak. You rarely do, which results in your making an ass of yourself with ridiculous comments.
For instance, last night when I went to show you something on facebook and the mouse on my computer stuck, dragging open the AOL window instead of the link I was trying to show you. I'm still absolutely dumbfounded at the fact you asked me if I knew how to check notifications on facebook, as I had been doing for 4 years prior. You weren't joking either.
Then today you wanted to go to costco after work. Knowing I had an interview, you asked what time it was, and when I told you how long it could run, you just said you'd go home, get the truck and make the 30+ mile drive back out there. Within moments you just said you didn't mind working late and I could get you after that. Now think. You could have completely avoided aggravating me with the whole 'I'll go home, get the truck and just go back out there' comment and said 'I can work late'. There's so much you could avoid saying if you just thought for a moment before speaking.
That is all.
For now.
I have a request of you. Please think before you speak. You rarely do, which results in your making an ass of yourself with ridiculous comments.
For instance, last night when I went to show you something on facebook and the mouse on my computer stuck, dragging open the AOL window instead of the link I was trying to show you. I'm still absolutely dumbfounded at the fact you asked me if I knew how to check notifications on facebook, as I had been doing for 4 years prior. You weren't joking either.
Then today you wanted to go to costco after work. Knowing I had an interview, you asked what time it was, and when I told you how long it could run, you just said you'd go home, get the truck and make the 30+ mile drive back out there. Within moments you just said you didn't mind working late and I could get you after that. Now think. You could have completely avoided aggravating me with the whole 'I'll go home, get the truck and just go back out there' comment and said 'I can work late'. There's so much you could avoid saying if you just thought for a moment before speaking.
That is all.
For now.
09/30/10
Nothing has changed all over again:
I'm usually fine by the next morning. But not this time. I hardly slept all night. I still feel sick to my stomach. He does not know, nor does he care.
It all started when I asked what cruise night we'd be going to. This is the last weekend I have my car, he knew it was important to me, and told me we'd go to one more together. Until yesterday, when he decided he'd rather spend every waking moment of this weekend playing with his new smoker. He said I could just go alone. Nice.
The day goes on, and I start on dinner on schedule. 5 minutes before his train stops in town, he texts me to say he's going to lowes. Go on and eat without him. Nice. Dinner was 10 minutes from being done. He didn't come home until an hour later. When I asked him what was so important to get, that he had to miss dinner, it opened up the can of worms.
within moments his next comment was 'why haven't you gotten a job yet? Where are my checks for the past couple months'. I could have fucking slugged him. Nothing has changed all over again. I've been out of work for only two weeks, had 3 interviews, and he was asking why I hadn't already gone to work for McDonalds. I called him cold, selfish, heartless......all the things I've never called him, but have wanted to when he gets this way.
I don't know. I absolutely don't know. Money, money, money. it's all he cares about. Not love, devotion, faithfulness. None of that matters if I'm not working and 'contributing'. (although I've been fixing up his house nonstop for the past two weeks.
Selfish baby.
I'm usually fine by the next morning. But not this time. I hardly slept all night. I still feel sick to my stomach. He does not know, nor does he care.
It all started when I asked what cruise night we'd be going to. This is the last weekend I have my car, he knew it was important to me, and told me we'd go to one more together. Until yesterday, when he decided he'd rather spend every waking moment of this weekend playing with his new smoker. He said I could just go alone. Nice.
The day goes on, and I start on dinner on schedule. 5 minutes before his train stops in town, he texts me to say he's going to lowes. Go on and eat without him. Nice. Dinner was 10 minutes from being done. He didn't come home until an hour later. When I asked him what was so important to get, that he had to miss dinner, it opened up the can of worms.
within moments his next comment was 'why haven't you gotten a job yet? Where are my checks for the past couple months'. I could have fucking slugged him. Nothing has changed all over again. I've been out of work for only two weeks, had 3 interviews, and he was asking why I hadn't already gone to work for McDonalds. I called him cold, selfish, heartless......all the things I've never called him, but have wanted to when he gets this way.
I don't know. I absolutely don't know. Money, money, money. it's all he cares about. Not love, devotion, faithfulness. None of that matters if I'm not working and 'contributing'. (although I've been fixing up his house nonstop for the past two weeks.
Selfish baby.
07/13/10
that 'I don't matter' feeling
...maybe it's just the low blood sugar. I don't know.
I'm just a loan number. I'm just another annoying caller to the Verizon tech support. Just the employee you've had for 7 months, that you still don't know my last name. I'm the girlfriend who feels unimportant.
I'm a walking curse. I'm a hassle to human kind. I'm the raincloud you never have over your head. That bad day you never have. That's me.
Pull your head out of your rear. There's more to life than your feelings. There's your reaction to my feelings. When I don't feel well, when I have a bad day, when I'm depressed. Be with me on my bad days, as well as my good. That's what a relationship is about. Every day will never always be a good day.
Show me you care. Show me you care more about me than your money or your things.....and you will open yourself up to a love you never knew existed. You only care to talk if it's about you. When I have a bad day, I can't let you know, because you get upset. You are selfish. Very, Very selfish. You want us to get a new house, but keep it only in your name. At what point of this relationship is there 'us'?
I'm just there. Every day. That pebble in your shoe....your underpaid assistant who will never live up to your expectations. Your girlfriend that wonders each and every day if she really even matters.
Just there............
...maybe it's just the low blood sugar. I don't know.
I'm just a loan number. I'm just another annoying caller to the Verizon tech support. Just the employee you've had for 7 months, that you still don't know my last name. I'm the girlfriend who feels unimportant.
I'm a walking curse. I'm a hassle to human kind. I'm the raincloud you never have over your head. That bad day you never have. That's me.
Pull your head out of your rear. There's more to life than your feelings. There's your reaction to my feelings. When I don't feel well, when I have a bad day, when I'm depressed. Be with me on my bad days, as well as my good. That's what a relationship is about. Every day will never always be a good day.
Show me you care. Show me you care more about me than your money or your things.....and you will open yourself up to a love you never knew existed. You only care to talk if it's about you. When I have a bad day, I can't let you know, because you get upset. You are selfish. Very, Very selfish. You want us to get a new house, but keep it only in your name. At what point of this relationship is there 'us'?
I'm just there. Every day. That pebble in your shoe....your underpaid assistant who will never live up to your expectations. Your girlfriend that wonders each and every day if she really even matters.
Just there............
07/02/10
I've f'n had it. yes....had it.
I've had it with work, and my boss b*tching at me 24/7 for things that were not my fault. I'm f'n sick of having an unsupportive boyfriend who only gets on my case and makes me feel worse every single time I'm having a bad day or get depressed.
You know what....you are the ONLY one I have ever met who does not have bad days. So instead of b*tching at me and judging me, how about for once, you pull your head out of your ass and comfort me. Support me. Make me feel like I'm worthwhile.
It will go further than you know.
Because one of these days.....you'll have a bad day. And you know what? I'm going to treat you just as you treat me.
I've had it with work, and my boss b*tching at me 24/7 for things that were not my fault. I'm f'n sick of having an unsupportive boyfriend who only gets on my case and makes me feel worse every single time I'm having a bad day or get depressed.
You know what....you are the ONLY one I have ever met who does not have bad days. So instead of b*tching at me and judging me, how about for once, you pull your head out of your ass and comfort me. Support me. Make me feel like I'm worthwhile.
It will go further than you know.
Because one of these days.....you'll have a bad day. And you know what? I'm going to treat you just as you treat me.
08/23/13
This is a major turning point for me.
major.
I have spent 5 years somehow justifying this behavior. Trying to grasp where he was coming from. Trying desperately to understand what to do to fix things. Not knowing and understanding why everything was always my fault. Always.
I'm a fucking idiot. How did I not see this? Was it two past relationships with different forms of it? Was that how I didn't recognize what was going on? Those two were the same. Exactly the same. This one was different. So did I convince myself that this wasn't what that was?
Hi. My name is Jodi. I'm in a verbally and mentally abusive relationship.
There. I said it. I've been doing a bit of reading online. I actually paid for a Kindle book today. 'The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize it and How to Respond.' This is a 242 page book. Since this afternoon I've already read almost half. I didn't even get through the preface when it summed up situations they cover, and at that point I realized what a fool I have been. I could have cried. I've never in my life been able to relate so clearly to a book.
Here's the weird part. I feel bad for him. I feel sorry for him. To live with this - I can't even imagine. I think of how he will be when I leave - and I feel bad for him again. It's sad to picture him alone. He's trying now - maybe that's why I feel bad. He emailed me the other day with an apology, and told me how much he loves me, how much he appreciates what I do. He made me a nice dinner tonight too.
But in the book, it spells it out that this is typical behavior. To help us forget about the abuse, so that it's not constant, we don't tend to see it for what it is. I know he will be sad when I leave. But it's something I have to do.
I met with the lawyer on Thursday. He assured me that none of this is my fault. I described certain fights and scenarios to him, and he was the one to mention that 'a' word. Abusive. I guess being a lawyer, you see enough of this to know. He was right though.
Paperwork is filled out and ready to go. It's up to me to decide when is the right time to take that enormous leap of faith and do what is right for ME.
How do I tell anyone why I filed? No one would ever believe the real reason. They don't see that side of him. His family will think I'm a liar. His friends will think I'm crazy.
There's so much to this. So much anxiety with all the 'what-ifs'.
major.
I have spent 5 years somehow justifying this behavior. Trying to grasp where he was coming from. Trying desperately to understand what to do to fix things. Not knowing and understanding why everything was always my fault. Always.
I'm a fucking idiot. How did I not see this? Was it two past relationships with different forms of it? Was that how I didn't recognize what was going on? Those two were the same. Exactly the same. This one was different. So did I convince myself that this wasn't what that was?
Hi. My name is Jodi. I'm in a verbally and mentally abusive relationship.
There. I said it. I've been doing a bit of reading online. I actually paid for a Kindle book today. 'The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize it and How to Respond.' This is a 242 page book. Since this afternoon I've already read almost half. I didn't even get through the preface when it summed up situations they cover, and at that point I realized what a fool I have been. I could have cried. I've never in my life been able to relate so clearly to a book.
Here's the weird part. I feel bad for him. I feel sorry for him. To live with this - I can't even imagine. I think of how he will be when I leave - and I feel bad for him again. It's sad to picture him alone. He's trying now - maybe that's why I feel bad. He emailed me the other day with an apology, and told me how much he loves me, how much he appreciates what I do. He made me a nice dinner tonight too.
But in the book, it spells it out that this is typical behavior. To help us forget about the abuse, so that it's not constant, we don't tend to see it for what it is. I know he will be sad when I leave. But it's something I have to do.
I met with the lawyer on Thursday. He assured me that none of this is my fault. I described certain fights and scenarios to him, and he was the one to mention that 'a' word. Abusive. I guess being a lawyer, you see enough of this to know. He was right though.
Paperwork is filled out and ready to go. It's up to me to decide when is the right time to take that enormous leap of faith and do what is right for ME.
How do I tell anyone why I filed? No one would ever believe the real reason. They don't see that side of him. His family will think I'm a liar. His friends will think I'm crazy.
There's so much to this. So much anxiety with all the 'what-ifs'.
I don't know where to start with this......
This won't be an easy one to write, and it might not be an easy read. But I feel the need to share it with everyone, as it's been months now, but there are still many who have no idea what has happened and are still just finding out.
You think you know your friends. You know their spouse, their pets, but what you don't know is what really happens behind those closed doors.
5 years of pain, insults, and belittling. That's what went on behind my front door. Constant guilt for things I had never done, bad days, bad moods, all being blamed on me when I felt fine. Profanity, disrespect, and drunken nights where I swore I'd had enough and wouldn't put up with it anymore. I didn't know what it was, I just thought it was bad communication. Points I kept trying to make, explaining over and over, and praying there would eventually be understanding and I wouldn't anger him again. It took 5 years to realize what it really was. I'd been dealing with verbal abuse and never even realized it. I felt like an idiot. All those times I tried to convince him with tears in my eyes that I wasn't mad about anything, as he sat there and convinced me I was, I needed counseling, I needed medications to help with my attitude.....I let someone convince me day in and day out that I was the problem, and that all bad things between us stemmed from me.
I can't tell you how many times heard 'you are only with me for money' or being told that I was a 'b*tch who only wanted to spend his money'. I'm not a shopper - I didn't spend his money as he kept presuming I did. I couldn't understand why he kept saying that when all I would buy is gas for my car and groceries. I would even get lectured for buying food....I could do no right. Every move, every word, everything I did in fear of judgement. This....this is what I'm still fighting to get past. Months after my leaving him, I still cannot make a decision. Even something simple like 'where would you like to go to eat tonight?' I can't answer. In my mind my answer won't be right and I'll never hear the end of it.
Don't sit there and tell me you NEVER have a bad day, you NEVER have a bad mood. We all do. It's part of life. But to come home angry and sit there and convince me I'm the one having a bad day, make me feel worthless, that's the lowest thing you can possibly do. Be an adult. Take responsibility for your own actions. Your own feelings.
I logged on here (but didn't publish) over the course of three years, every fight, every hurtful thing said. I've decided to publish it just so others in similar situations can realize what they are dealing with, because I lost 5 years of my life with someone who's main goal was to make me feel worthless. And then when I did finally get the courage to leave and start over, I sat there as he continually accused me of leaving him for another person. I will say right now - I did not. He couldn't even come to terms and take responsibility for the fact that how he treated me, was the sole reason I left. It's still my fault in his eyes, to the point where he had to create a story to make that possible.
There are many faces to abuse, and it's astonishing how many women cope with this on a daily basis and don't realize it. Don't put up with it. You are stronger than that, you are better than that.
Now I am not only having to start over, but am struggling in doing so - not so much mentally, as I've found an amazing freedom, but financially at times. I won't lie - there have been a couple weeks in which I couldn't even afford to buy food. I asked very little financially from him in the divorce, and he refused it all. Let him sit there on his cushy wealthy life, let him. I won't be petty enough to drag this out for years for something as shallow as money, but I'm appalled that after how he treated me, I am left with nothing. I even now have to pay off the brand new car he insisted I get - that is in his name. I ignored every single red flag......and if all my posts can help one single woman out there who is in this same situation, it will be all worth it.
Don't settle, don't ignore your gut feeling..........don't put up with less than you deserve, because you deserve the world, and it's all out there waiting for you.
You think you know your friends. You know their spouse, their pets, but what you don't know is what really happens behind those closed doors.
5 years of pain, insults, and belittling. That's what went on behind my front door. Constant guilt for things I had never done, bad days, bad moods, all being blamed on me when I felt fine. Profanity, disrespect, and drunken nights where I swore I'd had enough and wouldn't put up with it anymore. I didn't know what it was, I just thought it was bad communication. Points I kept trying to make, explaining over and over, and praying there would eventually be understanding and I wouldn't anger him again. It took 5 years to realize what it really was. I'd been dealing with verbal abuse and never even realized it. I felt like an idiot. All those times I tried to convince him with tears in my eyes that I wasn't mad about anything, as he sat there and convinced me I was, I needed counseling, I needed medications to help with my attitude.....I let someone convince me day in and day out that I was the problem, and that all bad things between us stemmed from me.
I can't tell you how many times heard 'you are only with me for money' or being told that I was a 'b*tch who only wanted to spend his money'. I'm not a shopper - I didn't spend his money as he kept presuming I did. I couldn't understand why he kept saying that when all I would buy is gas for my car and groceries. I would even get lectured for buying food....I could do no right. Every move, every word, everything I did in fear of judgement. This....this is what I'm still fighting to get past. Months after my leaving him, I still cannot make a decision. Even something simple like 'where would you like to go to eat tonight?' I can't answer. In my mind my answer won't be right and I'll never hear the end of it.
Don't sit there and tell me you NEVER have a bad day, you NEVER have a bad mood. We all do. It's part of life. But to come home angry and sit there and convince me I'm the one having a bad day, make me feel worthless, that's the lowest thing you can possibly do. Be an adult. Take responsibility for your own actions. Your own feelings.
I logged on here (but didn't publish) over the course of three years, every fight, every hurtful thing said. I've decided to publish it just so others in similar situations can realize what they are dealing with, because I lost 5 years of my life with someone who's main goal was to make me feel worthless. And then when I did finally get the courage to leave and start over, I sat there as he continually accused me of leaving him for another person. I will say right now - I did not. He couldn't even come to terms and take responsibility for the fact that how he treated me, was the sole reason I left. It's still my fault in his eyes, to the point where he had to create a story to make that possible.
There are many faces to abuse, and it's astonishing how many women cope with this on a daily basis and don't realize it. Don't put up with it. You are stronger than that, you are better than that.
Now I am not only having to start over, but am struggling in doing so - not so much mentally, as I've found an amazing freedom, but financially at times. I won't lie - there have been a couple weeks in which I couldn't even afford to buy food. I asked very little financially from him in the divorce, and he refused it all. Let him sit there on his cushy wealthy life, let him. I won't be petty enough to drag this out for years for something as shallow as money, but I'm appalled that after how he treated me, I am left with nothing. I even now have to pay off the brand new car he insisted I get - that is in his name. I ignored every single red flag......and if all my posts can help one single woman out there who is in this same situation, it will be all worth it.
Don't settle, don't ignore your gut feeling..........don't put up with less than you deserve, because you deserve the world, and it's all out there waiting for you.
Sunday, October 27, 2013
Everything changes......
"Isn't it funny how day by day nothing changes, but when you look back everything is different."
There may be no truer saying. Even big changes don't seem so big unless you compare where you were to one year - or even one month ago.
This has been a year of changes for me. A constant reminder that what you think your plan in life may be, it can change at any given moment. You grow - you realize things - you figure out what is important.
In January I made a resolution to not make any resolutions. I was tired of failed goals, weight not lost, no real changes. So my only goal this year was to make this a year of 'me'. That was it. Just focus on me and what I wanted. Not what others wanted from me or expected from me. I was so tired of spending all my time trying to please others and getting nothing in return.
My first big change came in February when I called the photography company I wanted to work for to see if they were hiring. 8 months later it has now become my full time job - my sole source of income and I can now wake up each morning and actually go to work doing what I enjoy most. That alone I thought was going to be my biggest change of the year.
I had no idea there were more changes to come and I would learn that I had more courage and strength than I thought.
Without going into detail, I grew quite tired of my other situation, and knew I wasn't happy - nor had I been for quite some time. With the support and encouragement of a select few friends I found the strength to make my biggest change yet. Nearly two months later and 15 pounds less I do not regret my decision one bit. It has opened doors for a future I never knew existed. I've sacrificed a lot along the way, but can only chock it up as a lesson learned with open eyes to how distorted I thought 'normal' was.
I never thought I'd go down this path in life. Always said I never would but here I am, and I've learned just how amazing my friends and family really are. I know it will be a very long journey to heal from the damage done over the course of the past 5 years, but I know I'm already well on my way. I just have to keep reminding myself 'It's not your fault. You ARE enough. Whatever you do, you are doing it right. You are NOT worthless."
......in due time.
There may be no truer saying. Even big changes don't seem so big unless you compare where you were to one year - or even one month ago.
This has been a year of changes for me. A constant reminder that what you think your plan in life may be, it can change at any given moment. You grow - you realize things - you figure out what is important.
In January I made a resolution to not make any resolutions. I was tired of failed goals, weight not lost, no real changes. So my only goal this year was to make this a year of 'me'. That was it. Just focus on me and what I wanted. Not what others wanted from me or expected from me. I was so tired of spending all my time trying to please others and getting nothing in return.
My first big change came in February when I called the photography company I wanted to work for to see if they were hiring. 8 months later it has now become my full time job - my sole source of income and I can now wake up each morning and actually go to work doing what I enjoy most. That alone I thought was going to be my biggest change of the year.
I had no idea there were more changes to come and I would learn that I had more courage and strength than I thought.
Without going into detail, I grew quite tired of my other situation, and knew I wasn't happy - nor had I been for quite some time. With the support and encouragement of a select few friends I found the strength to make my biggest change yet. Nearly two months later and 15 pounds less I do not regret my decision one bit. It has opened doors for a future I never knew existed. I've sacrificed a lot along the way, but can only chock it up as a lesson learned with open eyes to how distorted I thought 'normal' was.
I never thought I'd go down this path in life. Always said I never would but here I am, and I've learned just how amazing my friends and family really are. I know it will be a very long journey to heal from the damage done over the course of the past 5 years, but I know I'm already well on my way. I just have to keep reminding myself 'It's not your fault. You ARE enough. Whatever you do, you are doing it right. You are NOT worthless."
......in due time.
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
The lake......
As most of you know, I recently bought a boat. Rash Decision? No.....
When I was little, my Grandparents lived on the Intracoastal Waterway in Florida. In 1988 (when I was 7) Grandpa bought a 1989 Chris Craft Cabin Cruiser. Every summer we would don our bright orange life jackets and get in the boat for the hours long trip we'd take. Big waves, dolphins, endless sunshine.......this is what memories are made of.
When I was 15 they moved to the North Georgia Mountains, and bought a house on a small lake. (about 10 miles to be exact). I swore I'd never put a toe in that murky lake. Ironically I was the first person to get in it. The Chris Craft came along, and weekend after weekend, year after year, we'd drive the two hours from Duluth to Blairsville to visit them, and get out on the boat for tubing, cruising, (attempted) water skiing, and the whole nine yards.
17 years have passed since I first jumped in that lake. Years of life long lessons have passed me by.....I still have a love for the water. I missed the days of the seadoo, jumping wakes behind Grandpa's deep hulled boat, pulling tubers, and having a place for friends and family to come gather. Now, at 32, I decided I wanted those years back.
....and that's why I bought a boat.
I know better than anyone, that things change. Whether you want them to or not. You grow up, you age, but you always still long for that favorite place, or that favorite feeling. For me, it's that lake. Sitting on the back deck with Grandma and Grandpa, cruising the lake with Mom or Dad, or pulling Lu in a tube behind the boat, watching her grin ear to ear (or at least until she got flipped off the tube).
There's only one chance in life. One chance to be happy, to do the things we love, I'm not about ready to give that one chance up. No one should.
......and THAT, is why I bought a boat. To all my cousins, aunts, uncles, and friends. Let me know when you want to use it. You are part of why I bought it. Have fun. :)
When I was little, my Grandparents lived on the Intracoastal Waterway in Florida. In 1988 (when I was 7) Grandpa bought a 1989 Chris Craft Cabin Cruiser. Every summer we would don our bright orange life jackets and get in the boat for the hours long trip we'd take. Big waves, dolphins, endless sunshine.......this is what memories are made of.
When I was 15 they moved to the North Georgia Mountains, and bought a house on a small lake. (about 10 miles to be exact). I swore I'd never put a toe in that murky lake. Ironically I was the first person to get in it. The Chris Craft came along, and weekend after weekend, year after year, we'd drive the two hours from Duluth to Blairsville to visit them, and get out on the boat for tubing, cruising, (attempted) water skiing, and the whole nine yards.
17 years have passed since I first jumped in that lake. Years of life long lessons have passed me by.....I still have a love for the water. I missed the days of the seadoo, jumping wakes behind Grandpa's deep hulled boat, pulling tubers, and having a place for friends and family to come gather. Now, at 32, I decided I wanted those years back.
....and that's why I bought a boat.
I know better than anyone, that things change. Whether you want them to or not. You grow up, you age, but you always still long for that favorite place, or that favorite feeling. For me, it's that lake. Sitting on the back deck with Grandma and Grandpa, cruising the lake with Mom or Dad, or pulling Lu in a tube behind the boat, watching her grin ear to ear (or at least until she got flipped off the tube).
There's only one chance in life. One chance to be happy, to do the things we love, I'm not about ready to give that one chance up. No one should.
......and THAT, is why I bought a boat. To all my cousins, aunts, uncles, and friends. Let me know when you want to use it. You are part of why I bought it. Have fun. :)
Friday, April 5, 2013
2013 thus far.....
I know - I never seem to blog anymore. It's not that there's nothing to write about, well, I mean to me it's not, but the daily ramblings and occurrences in my life might prove amusing to people.
I've made it a goal this year - that 2013 would be the year of 'me'. To anyone who used to follow my blogs (both this one and the 'I'm living with a psycho' blog) you know I've got a lot of ups and downs. It's not that I appreciate the drama, I'm just really good at being indecisive and living in a constant state of confusion wondering if I'm doing the right thing - which to that I blame years of abusive relationships and constant negative judgement.
Regardless, there are many days I'm not exactly 'happy'. Not that I don't appreciate all that I've got. I have a job, a crazy husband, a house, and a couple of hairless dogs that I love to no end. Sure this feeling of emptiness and unhappiness may be the norm in everyone's life. Wake up, pack lunches, eat breakfast, walk dogs, sit in traffic for an hour, sit in a windowless office alone with no human interaction for 9 hours, another hour in traffic just to go home and clean, go to sleep and let it all start again. Maybe most the world feels the same, but I've got this mindset that there's really more to life, and while work is necessary for survival, there are more things I can do to enjoy the short time I have on this earth.
So this year - no resolutions. Except to really figure out what makes me happy.
figure skating
photography
okay - I'm going to build on that.
Work is a bit depressing since being moved down the hall into 'the box' in January. Blank walls may persuade creativity to some, but not me. I sit here and I keep looking through all these kitschy creative quotes on Pinterest.....about pushing yourself outside your 'comfort zone' to find true happiness. This is what I've been keeping in mind this year as I start my little project. For a couple years I've been tossing around the idea of Real Estate photography. I'm not good at photographing people, as social skills and communication are not my strong points. Nature and architecture is where I best excel. I looked into starting up a business of my own and soon realized it will more than likely prove to be a lot of work while reaping few benefits. Then it clicked - why not call the company that every agent in Nashville calls to shoot a house.
Step one - go outside that comfort zone - cold calling looking for work.
...and it worked.
It's been a slow start up process due to my work schedule, but I now am a photographer for Nashville's largest Real Estate photography company. Patience is required in all this getting off the ground, but in time it will turn into my full time job, allowing me to make 3x what I am now, and getting the freedom of working in my area, and setting my own schedule.
...all because I pushed myself outside the comfort zone.
Skating - something I keep telling myself I'll get back into but never seem to actually do. I'm making it a point this year to not only stick to it, but to get all my jumps and spins back, and dominate the Preds tryouts in summer. This will be my 3rd time trying out. I could give up since I know I'm probably not the type they are looking for, but in all honesty, I could have done better - and knowing that is enough to know that this year, I'm not holding back. This year it may cost me a bit more for tryouts - since I'm going to go and get my hair all done up, and invest in an outfit that will knock them all out. Without a doubt I will be lectured for spending money on it, but I'd rather be out a little money and catch some hell than to watch the years go by thinking I passed up an opportunity to do something most girls only dream of.
Last weekend I laced up my old figure skates for the last time, at the rink I grew up in, glided across the smooth ice, and jumped my last jump in the 16 year old skates that got me through many competitions in my younger years. Next week I start the new chapter by setting foot on the ice in new skates.....and with new hope.
I've made it a goal this year - that 2013 would be the year of 'me'. To anyone who used to follow my blogs (both this one and the 'I'm living with a psycho' blog) you know I've got a lot of ups and downs. It's not that I appreciate the drama, I'm just really good at being indecisive and living in a constant state of confusion wondering if I'm doing the right thing - which to that I blame years of abusive relationships and constant negative judgement.
Regardless, there are many days I'm not exactly 'happy'. Not that I don't appreciate all that I've got. I have a job, a crazy husband, a house, and a couple of hairless dogs that I love to no end. Sure this feeling of emptiness and unhappiness may be the norm in everyone's life. Wake up, pack lunches, eat breakfast, walk dogs, sit in traffic for an hour, sit in a windowless office alone with no human interaction for 9 hours, another hour in traffic just to go home and clean, go to sleep and let it all start again. Maybe most the world feels the same, but I've got this mindset that there's really more to life, and while work is necessary for survival, there are more things I can do to enjoy the short time I have on this earth.
So this year - no resolutions. Except to really figure out what makes me happy.
figure skating
photography
okay - I'm going to build on that.
Work is a bit depressing since being moved down the hall into 'the box' in January. Blank walls may persuade creativity to some, but not me. I sit here and I keep looking through all these kitschy creative quotes on Pinterest.....about pushing yourself outside your 'comfort zone' to find true happiness. This is what I've been keeping in mind this year as I start my little project. For a couple years I've been tossing around the idea of Real Estate photography. I'm not good at photographing people, as social skills and communication are not my strong points. Nature and architecture is where I best excel. I looked into starting up a business of my own and soon realized it will more than likely prove to be a lot of work while reaping few benefits. Then it clicked - why not call the company that every agent in Nashville calls to shoot a house.
Step one - go outside that comfort zone - cold calling looking for work.
...and it worked.
It's been a slow start up process due to my work schedule, but I now am a photographer for Nashville's largest Real Estate photography company. Patience is required in all this getting off the ground, but in time it will turn into my full time job, allowing me to make 3x what I am now, and getting the freedom of working in my area, and setting my own schedule.
...all because I pushed myself outside the comfort zone.
Skating - something I keep telling myself I'll get back into but never seem to actually do. I'm making it a point this year to not only stick to it, but to get all my jumps and spins back, and dominate the Preds tryouts in summer. This will be my 3rd time trying out. I could give up since I know I'm probably not the type they are looking for, but in all honesty, I could have done better - and knowing that is enough to know that this year, I'm not holding back. This year it may cost me a bit more for tryouts - since I'm going to go and get my hair all done up, and invest in an outfit that will knock them all out. Without a doubt I will be lectured for spending money on it, but I'd rather be out a little money and catch some hell than to watch the years go by thinking I passed up an opportunity to do something most girls only dream of.
Last weekend I laced up my old figure skates for the last time, at the rink I grew up in, glided across the smooth ice, and jumped my last jump in the 16 year old skates that got me through many competitions in my younger years. Next week I start the new chapter by setting foot on the ice in new skates.....and with new hope.
Monday, February 25, 2013
You know those commercials?
....We've all seen them - those always depressing commercials with a soppy Sarah McLaughlin song with tear jerking images of mistreated and homeless pets scrolling across your screen. If you are anything like me, you can't watch them.
So when a friend tagged me in a photo of a found Hairless Chinese Crested on the night of 2/16, I knew I could help. This poor dog looked pitiful, scared, and extremely shabby. Having two rescued cresteds of my own, I was drawn to this little pup. I got in contact with the organization who had it, and was approved to foster her. I picked her up the following Thursday at New Leash on Life as soon as I got word I could.
They told me she was heartworm positive - having never had a dog that was, my first concern was for my own, to make sure it wasn't contagious (as I quickly learned it wasn't). She came with a ziplock of dry food, one heartworm pill, and some eye drops for her dry eye. They informed me that her microchip was not registered, but her name was 'Callie'.
I brought with me a dog bed, blanket, and some fleece jammies to dress her in. After all - it's February. Even in the south, it gets cold. I knew she was found in someone's garage, and I pictured this tiny, scraggly pup, naked, shivering, scared in an unknown place. Based on how she looked and being heartworm positive, with an unidentifiable microchip, I assumed she'd been on her own a while.
I couldn't have been more wrong.
I got her home and right away got her in the bath. I trimmed her face, and cut the mattes and feces out of her tail. Some of these dogs are considered a 'hairy hairless' which clearly she was because of the matted hair on her backside.
I got her all cleaned up, in some fresh fleece PJ's and her tiny little personality started to come out.
'Don't get attached' I tell my husband - knowing it's just a matter of time before we can help find a home for this little girl. Later that night I see where someone on the Lost and Found Pets of Wilson County posts this ad on Craigslist for a lady missing her Crested. "Our sweet little girl Callie went missing a few days back. I awoke a few days ago to discover our neighbor accross the streets big dog was in our back yard. I chased her off and then shortly realized our little girl was nowhere to be found. I am hoping that maybe someone found her and took her in ....I've had her for about five or six years now ...she was my first "child" .....if you have any information please feel free to contact me at my email or text me at 615 318 9126 ...we live in the area of Thorne Drive and Thorne Court in Lebanon . The picture of the chinese crested alone is not her actual picture just a closer picture of one so you can tell what she looks like...that is her in the little orange dress beside our other dog ...Marley "
Wait.....missing a FEW DAYS back? Had her for ABOUT 5 or 6 years? You don't know?? And you mean to tell me you don't really have a photo of your own dog? I'm sure I'm in the minority here with 5,000+ photos of my dogs, but if you own a dog, surely you must have ONE clear photo of it?! This ad wasn't even posted until the dog had been in the care of this group for a WEEK!
I'm told by the rescue group that has her, she must be returned. Despite she is heartworm positive. Despite her skin is darker than it should be (even for being exposed to the direct sun with no sunblock, which yes, is required for hairless dogs). Apparently they were able to trace the microchip even without it being registered. Am I doubting this? No. Do I doubt the validity of a 'rescue' organization that believes in returning a neglected dog to it's home? Abso-freakin-lutely.
Knowing that this dog was more than likely left outside for long periods of time (based on skin and her pads), I take her to my vet. I wanted a full report on all the things that were wrong with this dog that the owner apparently had no interest in taking care of. $300 of my own money for a dog I knew was going to be handed back over to an irresponsible owner.
Heartworm positive, dry eye, ear infection, rotting teeth, sinus issues (resulting in congestion and difficulty breathing), cracked pads on her feet.....this poor animal. I cannot imagine feeling the way she has been.
The rescue organization gives me grief for taking her to my vet. They wonder why and I remind them that I was told they told that they cannot afford to treat her heartworm without a sponsor. If they cannot afford a $250 treatment (as quoted by the amazing Dr. Hollis) how would they ever afford the other medications she needed? I further doubt the ability of this organization.....
I call the director this morning with my opinion - that this dog not be returned to a home with an owner who clearly cannot take care of it.
Too bad.
'The dog still has to be returned to it's lawful owner'. I cannot tell you how many people and places I called today to keep this irresponsible person from getting back this innocent little pup. Everyone I spoke with was appalled that they would get the dog back, yet there was nothing anyone could do.
so tonight, at 8pm, I watched them load sweet Callie into a cage. Where she will likely have to spend the night after 5 days of clean house, warm blankets, and comfy jammies, only to get returned to the conditions she was lucky enough to escape from. All this, so the owner could be 'educated'. If you were not responsible enough the first 7 years of this poor dog's life, why on earth would you change for the second 7?
I held myself together until I glanced at that cold metal cage she was in.....knowing I could no longer protect her and keep her warm. Still wearing the jammies I put her in.......
I will never, never understand how a reputable organization can release an animal to a home that is proven to not provide adequate care for it.....just so they can 'educate' an ignorant individual. Never.
Should you ever wonder why I have a negative outlook on people and society......remember Callie.
So when a friend tagged me in a photo of a found Hairless Chinese Crested on the night of 2/16, I knew I could help. This poor dog looked pitiful, scared, and extremely shabby. Having two rescued cresteds of my own, I was drawn to this little pup. I got in contact with the organization who had it, and was approved to foster her. I picked her up the following Thursday at New Leash on Life as soon as I got word I could.
They told me she was heartworm positive - having never had a dog that was, my first concern was for my own, to make sure it wasn't contagious (as I quickly learned it wasn't). She came with a ziplock of dry food, one heartworm pill, and some eye drops for her dry eye. They informed me that her microchip was not registered, but her name was 'Callie'.
I brought with me a dog bed, blanket, and some fleece jammies to dress her in. After all - it's February. Even in the south, it gets cold. I knew she was found in someone's garage, and I pictured this tiny, scraggly pup, naked, shivering, scared in an unknown place. Based on how she looked and being heartworm positive, with an unidentifiable microchip, I assumed she'd been on her own a while.
I couldn't have been more wrong.
I got her home and right away got her in the bath. I trimmed her face, and cut the mattes and feces out of her tail. Some of these dogs are considered a 'hairy hairless' which clearly she was because of the matted hair on her backside.
I got her all cleaned up, in some fresh fleece PJ's and her tiny little personality started to come out.
'Don't get attached' I tell my husband - knowing it's just a matter of time before we can help find a home for this little girl. Later that night I see where someone on the Lost and Found Pets of Wilson County posts this ad on Craigslist for a lady missing her Crested. "Our sweet little girl Callie went missing a few days back. I awoke a few days ago to discover our neighbor accross the streets big dog was in our back yard. I chased her off and then shortly realized our little girl was nowhere to be found. I am hoping that maybe someone found her and took her in ....I've had her for about five or six years now ...she was my first "child" .....if you have any information please feel free to contact me at my email or text me at 615 318 9126 ...we live in the area of Thorne Drive and Thorne Court in Lebanon . The picture of the chinese crested alone is not her actual picture just a closer picture of one so you can tell what she looks like...that is her in the little orange dress beside our other dog ...Marley "
Wait.....missing a FEW DAYS back? Had her for ABOUT 5 or 6 years? You don't know?? And you mean to tell me you don't really have a photo of your own dog? I'm sure I'm in the minority here with 5,000+ photos of my dogs, but if you own a dog, surely you must have ONE clear photo of it?! This ad wasn't even posted until the dog had been in the care of this group for a WEEK!
I'm told by the rescue group that has her, she must be returned. Despite she is heartworm positive. Despite her skin is darker than it should be (even for being exposed to the direct sun with no sunblock, which yes, is required for hairless dogs). Apparently they were able to trace the microchip even without it being registered. Am I doubting this? No. Do I doubt the validity of a 'rescue' organization that believes in returning a neglected dog to it's home? Abso-freakin-lutely.
Knowing that this dog was more than likely left outside for long periods of time (based on skin and her pads), I take her to my vet. I wanted a full report on all the things that were wrong with this dog that the owner apparently had no interest in taking care of. $300 of my own money for a dog I knew was going to be handed back over to an irresponsible owner.
Heartworm positive, dry eye, ear infection, rotting teeth, sinus issues (resulting in congestion and difficulty breathing), cracked pads on her feet.....this poor animal. I cannot imagine feeling the way she has been.
The rescue organization gives me grief for taking her to my vet. They wonder why and I remind them that I was told they told that they cannot afford to treat her heartworm without a sponsor. If they cannot afford a $250 treatment (as quoted by the amazing Dr. Hollis) how would they ever afford the other medications she needed? I further doubt the ability of this organization.....
I call the director this morning with my opinion - that this dog not be returned to a home with an owner who clearly cannot take care of it.
Too bad.
'The dog still has to be returned to it's lawful owner'. I cannot tell you how many people and places I called today to keep this irresponsible person from getting back this innocent little pup. Everyone I spoke with was appalled that they would get the dog back, yet there was nothing anyone could do.
so tonight, at 8pm, I watched them load sweet Callie into a cage. Where she will likely have to spend the night after 5 days of clean house, warm blankets, and comfy jammies, only to get returned to the conditions she was lucky enough to escape from. All this, so the owner could be 'educated'. If you were not responsible enough the first 7 years of this poor dog's life, why on earth would you change for the second 7?
I held myself together until I glanced at that cold metal cage she was in.....knowing I could no longer protect her and keep her warm. Still wearing the jammies I put her in.......
I will never, never understand how a reputable organization can release an animal to a home that is proven to not provide adequate care for it.....just so they can 'educate' an ignorant individual. Never.
Should you ever wonder why I have a negative outlook on people and society......remember Callie.
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
All Over Again....
When I begin to think about it, memories flood back. Knowing the days and hours are numbered.....
My sister's dog Maggie, who was one of the 'original 3' (Lucy, Maggie, & Dora) is in her final days. At nearly 16 years old, she was diagnosed with Lymphoma. I talk to my sister daily now, and we all know that her days are coming to an end. Unwilling to eat or drink much, and unable to keep down what little she takes in, it's taking it's toll on her already frail little body.
Those final days of Dora I feel like I'm re-living, and it's tough. Lu lost Lucy 3 years ago....so she's had a bit of time to heal, not that one truly heals from the loss of a pet - but she manages it better. For me, it's still fresh - 6 months and 9 days fresh. Even now I still question if I did the right thing, but somewhere deep in my heart I know I did. Now I watch my sister deal with the same scenario - finding the time to learn to let go and convincing your heart it's the right thing to do. Losing someone you love is painful enough, being the one responsible for making that call is heart wrenching.
Maggie, when your time has come, do not fear. Lucy and Dora are waiting for you. <3
My sister's dog Maggie, who was one of the 'original 3' (Lucy, Maggie, & Dora) is in her final days. At nearly 16 years old, she was diagnosed with Lymphoma. I talk to my sister daily now, and we all know that her days are coming to an end. Unwilling to eat or drink much, and unable to keep down what little she takes in, it's taking it's toll on her already frail little body.
Those final days of Dora I feel like I'm re-living, and it's tough. Lu lost Lucy 3 years ago....so she's had a bit of time to heal, not that one truly heals from the loss of a pet - but she manages it better. For me, it's still fresh - 6 months and 9 days fresh. Even now I still question if I did the right thing, but somewhere deep in my heart I know I did. Now I watch my sister deal with the same scenario - finding the time to learn to let go and convincing your heart it's the right thing to do. Losing someone you love is painful enough, being the one responsible for making that call is heart wrenching.
Maggie, when your time has come, do not fear. Lucy and Dora are waiting for you. <3
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