I don't know where to start with this......

This won't be an easy one to write, and it might not be an easy read. But I feel the need to share it with everyone, as it's been months now, but there are still many who have no idea what has happened and are still just finding out.

You think you know your friends. You know their spouse, their pets, but what you don't know is what really happens behind those closed doors.

5 years of pain, insults, and belittling. That's what went on behind my front door. Constant guilt for things I had never done, bad days, bad moods, all being blamed on me when I felt fine. Profanity, disrespect, and drunken nights where I swore I'd had enough and wouldn't put up with it anymore. I didn't know what it was, I just thought it was bad communication. Points I kept trying to make, explaining over and over, and praying there would eventually be understanding and I wouldn't anger him again. It took 5 years to realize what it really was. I'd been dealing with verbal abuse and never even realized it. I felt like an idiot. All those times I tried to convince him with tears in my eyes that I wasn't mad about anything, as he sat there and convinced me I was, I needed counseling, I needed medications to help with my attitude.....I let someone convince me day in and day out that I was the problem, and that all bad things between us stemmed from me.

I can't tell you how many times heard 'you are only with me for money' or being told that I was a 'b*tch who only wanted to spend his money'. I'm not a shopper - I didn't spend his money as he kept presuming I did. I couldn't understand why he kept saying that when all I would buy is gas for my car and groceries. I would even get lectured for buying food....I could do no right. Every move, every word, everything I did in fear of judgement. This....this is what I'm still fighting to get past. Months after my leaving him, I still cannot make a decision. Even something simple like 'where would you like to go to eat tonight?' I can't answer. In my mind my answer won't be right and I'll never hear the end of it.

Don't sit there and tell me you NEVER have a bad day, you NEVER have a bad mood. We all do. It's part of life. But to come home angry and sit there and convince me I'm the one having a bad day, make me feel worthless, that's the lowest thing you can possibly do. Be an adult. Take responsibility for your own actions. Your own feelings.

I logged on here (but didn't publish) over the course of three years, every fight, every hurtful thing said. I've decided to publish it just so others in similar situations can realize what they are dealing with, because I lost 5 years of my life with someone who's main goal was to make me feel worthless. And then when I did finally get the courage to leave and start over, I sat there as he continually accused me of leaving him for another person. I will say right now - I did not. He couldn't even come to terms and take responsibility for the fact that how he treated me, was the sole reason I left. It's still my fault in his eyes, to the point where he had to create a story to make that possible.

There are many faces to abuse, and it's astonishing how many women cope with this on a daily basis and don't realize it. Don't put up with it. You are stronger than that, you are better than that.

Now I am not only having to start over, but am struggling in doing so - not so much mentally, as I've found an amazing freedom, but financially at times. I won't lie - there have been a couple weeks in which I couldn't even afford to buy food. I asked very little financially from him in the divorce, and he refused it all. Let him sit there on his cushy wealthy life, let him. I won't be petty enough to drag this out for years for something as shallow as money, but I'm appalled that after how he treated me, I am left with nothing. I even now have to pay off the brand new car he insisted I get - that is in his name. I ignored every single red flag......and if all my posts can help one single woman out there who is in this same situation, it will be all worth it.

Don't settle, don't ignore your gut feeling..........don't put up with less than you deserve, because you deserve the world, and it's all out there waiting for you.