I can't recall the last time I was ever so lost or confused as I am now. I wasn't happy, I knew that much. The realizations that have developed in the past weeks have given me hope......there's still a life out there that I can absolutely love to no end. More than likely, there's a man too, who will truly accept me, and one day maybe even care for me, through my good and my bad. Maybe one day it will end up being the best chance I ever take. I only pray I'm so lucky.....
I'm high as a kite anymore. I have hope again.
Scatterbrained as well.
Do I buy a house? Rent a house? What about an apartment? Do I stay out this way? towards downtown? What about the dogs? They need a yard. How can I get by? Can I even get by? Can I do this? What about work? Slow weeks at work? Do I hire a lawyer now? Get ready? What about alimony? What is reasonable? What about my car? Do I request he pays for my car so I can keep it? What if he won't? Shitfire. I don't fucking know anymore. I just don't.
I called a loan officer today about a house. Because the company I work for has me as a 'contract' worker, that makes it a bit more difficult. I also learned that I might not be able to get a house until the split, as both parties would have to be on the title. Clearly that won't work.
I will more than likely get a call back tomorrow with the bad news. Which is totally crazy because when I worked for crazy lady, I was pre-approved for an $85k house the first time he wanted to get rid of me. Now with excellent credit and making more money, I probably won't get that chance.
I'm just so unhappy. I just want out. I am ready to start over.
The other night I read through all the unpublished blog entries here. 3 years worth of logged arguments. 3 years where everything was my fault - every bad day, bad mood. Where I sat there in tears, alone for hours. For something I didn't even do, but was made to feel like I did. Pouring my heart and soul out only to be ignored completely, taking 2nd priority behind a you-tube video on the computer. I feel like I want the last 5 years back.
....half a decade of wasted years, hoping for things to get better, when I knew from the first incident that would never happen. I'm such a fool, such a dumbass. 5 years of someone trying to convince me I was only in it for money, assuming even my parents wanted his money. Why? Why would a person say things like that? There's so much I still can't forget - the time he tried to abandon me in the parking lot, the dance with my dad at my wedding I will never get to have, forcing my unemployed parents to foot the bill for a wedding as a way for me to prove to him they didn't want his money either. I've never wanted to kick myself in the ass so much as I have for the past few years. And yet I let it continue.
Years of ignoring and putting off the inevitable, all because I'm too scared to make the change I need to make.
That time is now.
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