09/13/13

Wow.

I don't even know where to begin. My last post was on August 18th. Since then it has been a confusing whirlwind of confusion and emotion.

First off. He hacked into my computer - suspicious after I'd reorganized the hall closet. He went onto facebook and saw conversations with a couple close friends, where I had confided in them that I had gotten an apartment.

After the shock wore off that I was planning on leaving, his family was in tears, he was in tears, amazed at just what could have happened to lead to this. 5 years of my putting up with more than I should have. More than anyone should have. His sister was almost in disbelief when I told her all I'd been through - the time he tried to abandon me in a parking lot, the guilt, the blame, the verbal and mental anguish I'd been coping with.

Today is September 13th. Tomorrow mom and dad show up to help me with the final leg of the move.

It's a somewhat glorifying feeling, but at the same time, utterly heartbreaking. This has been my home for the past 5 years. The good, the bad, the parties, and the fights. In 24 hours I will be sleeping in a new place, in a new town not too far from here. It's strange - I've been setting up my apartment for nearly a month now......but it's not yet sunk in what's happening and just how drastic of a change this will be.

I know I shouldn't worry - but I think about the neighbors, the rumors - what part of the story will he tell?

He's desperate for this to work. We've been going to counseling for a couple weeks now - and he's a completely different person. It's still too early to tell if it's genuine, but from first glance, it's difficult to believe. He's turned to God in ways I've never seen at such a rate of speed. He now reads the Bible daily, listens to Christian Music, attends church, goes to Bible studies, and prays multiple times a day. It's a bit much so quickly, but then again - how much do I know about religion?

I hope that being on my own again I can learn to be 'me'. I can find happiness and solitude and once again (maybe for the first time) become completely comfortable with myself.

10pm on my last night in this house......sleeping across the hall as I've done for nearly two weeks.....praying this is the right thing, which will lead to the right life.

........update to this - that night he got upset and turned the internet back off again so I could have no access. This meant my jobs that were uploading to the server never completed. I was told that if I wanted him to turn the internet back on, I had to sit in the same room with him so he could monitor what I was doing.

Needless to say that job was a day and a half late being submitted.