08/23/13

This is a major turning point for me.

major.

I have spent 5 years somehow justifying this behavior. Trying to grasp where he was coming from. Trying desperately to understand what to do to fix things. Not knowing and understanding why everything was always my fault. Always.

I'm a fucking idiot. How did I not see this? Was it two past relationships with different forms of it? Was that how I didn't recognize what was going on? Those two were the same. Exactly the same. This one was different. So did I convince myself that this wasn't what that was?

Hi. My name is Jodi. I'm in a verbally and mentally abusive relationship.

There. I said it. I've been doing a bit of reading online. I actually paid for a Kindle book today. 'The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize it and How to Respond.' This is a 242 page book. Since this afternoon I've already read almost half. I didn't even get through the preface when it summed up situations they cover, and at that point I realized what a fool I have been. I could have cried. I've never in my life been able to relate so clearly to a book.

Here's the weird part. I feel bad for him. I feel sorry for him. To live with this - I can't even imagine. I think of how he will be when I leave - and I feel bad for him again. It's sad to picture him alone. He's trying now - maybe that's why I feel bad. He emailed me the other day with an apology, and told me how much he loves me, how much he appreciates what I do. He made me a nice dinner tonight too.

But in the book, it spells it out that this is typical behavior. To help us forget about the abuse, so that it's not constant, we don't tend to see it for what it is. I know he will be sad when I leave. But it's something I have to do.

I met with the lawyer on Thursday. He assured me that none of this is my fault. I described certain fights and scenarios to him, and he was the one to mention that 'a' word. Abusive. I guess being a lawyer, you see enough of this to know. He was right though.

Paperwork is filled out and ready to go. It's up to me to decide when is the right time to take that enormous leap of faith and do what is right for ME.

How do I tell anyone why I filed? No one would ever believe the real reason. They don't see that side of him. His family will think I'm a liar. His friends will think I'm crazy.

There's so much to this. So much anxiety with all the 'what-ifs'.