09/30/10

Nothing has changed all over again:

I'm usually fine by the next morning. But not this time. I hardly slept all night. I still feel sick to my stomach. He does not know, nor does he care.

It all started when I asked what cruise night we'd be going to. This is the last weekend I have my car, he knew it was important to me, and told me we'd go to one more together. Until yesterday, when he decided he'd rather spend every waking moment of this weekend playing with his new smoker. He said I could just go alone. Nice.

The day goes on, and I start on dinner on schedule. 5 minutes before his train stops in town, he texts me to say he's going to lowes. Go on and eat without him. Nice. Dinner was 10 minutes from being done. He didn't come home until an hour later. When I asked him what was so important to get, that he had to miss dinner, it opened up the can of worms.

within moments his next comment was 'why haven't you gotten a job yet? Where are my checks for the past couple months'. I could have fucking slugged him. Nothing has changed all over again. I've been out of work for only two weeks, had 3 interviews, and he was asking why I hadn't already gone to work for McDonalds. I called him cold, selfish, heartless......all the things I've never called him, but have wanted to when he gets this way.

I don't know. I absolutely don't know. Money, money, money. it's all he cares about. Not love, devotion, faithfulness. None of that matters if I'm not working and 'contributing'. (although I've been fixing up his house nonstop for the past two weeks.

Selfish baby.