......Since my epic changes:

It's been 10 months since I took control of my life and signed a lease on this apartment. Many of you have read what all I went through. From time to time I also read through it. It makes me appreciate all that much more what I have now. I was so terrified I wouldn't make it on my own. I'm not only surviving, but thriving in my new beginning.

It was a daring change. One that made me question every single thought and aspect of my life. Once that house was empty of my belongings, and were into this refreshingly simple 2BR apartment, I knew immediately, and without doubt I'd made the right choice. One that so many others are terrified to make. I will tell you right now - if the thought is there, do it.

I cannot begin to express the joy and happiness that flooded my life once I left that toxic situation. I learned who my real friends were (and some that weren't). This included bidding farewell to my best friend of 11 years, but everything in life happens for a reason.

I have flourished. I had no idea life was this outstanding. I spent years in misery trying to impress a person of whom I'd never be worthy. Trying to keep up with the Jones' and not anger anyone, all while keeping up appearances to what I was supposed to be. In trying to conform to this persona, I lost 'me' along the way. Reading back into past blog entries I'm reminded that last year my only resolution was to do what makes me happy. When I set that goal I had absolutely no idea how BIG that would be. And how epic of changes were coming. Change in job, change in residence, change in status, and every other single aspect of my life. I went from a life of 'things' to a very simple environment, selling off 1/3 of everything I owned. Suddenly, it was so easy to let things go.

I'm proud to report that amidst all that chaos, I quickly found 'me' again. I became happy as could be doing very little, but spending time at work and at home with the dogs. If that weren't an amazing enough difference, things only got better. Now - I'm not usually cheesy and romantic by any means, but a couple months after my transition, I met by far, the most amazing and respectful man that has ever entered my life. I have never found another person that not only accepted me for just what I am, quirky habits and all.....but one that I am this compatible with. That was 7 months ago and I'm thankful every day that he's still in my life. I had no idea a happiness like this existed.

I don't know what tomorrow will bring - I don't think about it either. I take things one day at a time now and appreciate every enjoyable detail that I possibly can. And now I have someone to share that with. Life shouldn't ever just be a routine. Love who you are with. Love what you are, and most of all - love yourself.

09/13/13

Wow.

I don't even know where to begin. My last post was on August 18th. Since then it has been a confusing whirlwind of confusion and emotion.

First off. He hacked into my computer - suspicious after I'd reorganized the hall closet. He went onto facebook and saw conversations with a couple close friends, where I had confided in them that I had gotten an apartment.

After the shock wore off that I was planning on leaving, his family was in tears, he was in tears, amazed at just what could have happened to lead to this. 5 years of my putting up with more than I should have. More than anyone should have. His sister was almost in disbelief when I told her all I'd been through - the time he tried to abandon me in a parking lot, the guilt, the blame, the verbal and mental anguish I'd been coping with.

Today is September 13th. Tomorrow mom and dad show up to help me with the final leg of the move.

It's a somewhat glorifying feeling, but at the same time, utterly heartbreaking. This has been my home for the past 5 years. The good, the bad, the parties, and the fights. In 24 hours I will be sleeping in a new place, in a new town not too far from here. It's strange - I've been setting up my apartment for nearly a month now......but it's not yet sunk in what's happening and just how drastic of a change this will be.

I know I shouldn't worry - but I think about the neighbors, the rumors - what part of the story will he tell?

He's desperate for this to work. We've been going to counseling for a couple weeks now - and he's a completely different person. It's still too early to tell if it's genuine, but from first glance, it's difficult to believe. He's turned to God in ways I've never seen at such a rate of speed. He now reads the Bible daily, listens to Christian Music, attends church, goes to Bible studies, and prays multiple times a day. It's a bit much so quickly, but then again - how much do I know about religion?

I hope that being on my own again I can learn to be 'me'. I can find happiness and solitude and once again (maybe for the first time) become completely comfortable with myself.

10pm on my last night in this house......sleeping across the hall as I've done for nearly two weeks.....praying this is the right thing, which will lead to the right life.

........update to this - that night he got upset and turned the internet back off again so I could have no access. This meant my jobs that were uploading to the server never completed. I was told that if I wanted him to turn the internet back on, I had to sit in the same room with him so he could monitor what I was doing.

Needless to say that job was a day and a half late being submitted.

08/16/13

I feel like I'm going to be sick.....



The stress, the frustration, the anger. I'm still shaking.

No, of course the issues aren't there, apparently WE don't have any issues, but I do.

He thinks we accomplished everything on Friday, when I said I had nothing left to say. Why you ask did I have nothing left to say? Because every time I told him of something he'd said or done that hurt, it was my fault I felt that way. Not his fault he said something hurtful.

Florida vacation is now off, which I hinted over the past few days would be a good idea since we are trying to still work things out. Apparently I was the only one who thought we were still having issues. He honestly thought Friday settled things. Because he hugged me on Sunday when I came home and said he was sorry.

I love him, I really do, but I just don't get why he gets like this. I wish I understood his thought process.

Fast Forward to 1am. Dogs are trying to get on the bed, Mazie won't stop growling, I finally get her moved and shushed, and Rob just up and walks downstairs. Says he hasn't been able to sleep at all. I tell him to please come to bed. He won't. He's online, so I grab my computer from down there since I can't sleep now either. He asks 'you getting online?'. I tell him 'you are sitting down here awake online, I figured I'd get on too since I can't sleep now'.

So he turns off the router. (not the first time he's done this)

Thankfully I can piggyback off the neighbors.

He even suggested last night while still downstairs 'well, i guess if we are still having issues, you should sleep on the guest bed.' really?

08/06/13

I can't recall the last time I was ever so lost or confused as I am now. I wasn't happy, I knew that much. The realizations that have developed in the past weeks have given me hope......there's still a life out there that I can absolutely love to no end. More than likely, there's a man too, who will truly accept me, and one day maybe even care for me, through my good and my bad. Maybe one day it will end up being the best chance I ever take. I only pray I'm so lucky.....

I'm high as a kite anymore. I have hope again.

Scatterbrained as well.

Do I buy a house? Rent a house? What about an apartment? Do I stay out this way? towards downtown? What about the dogs? They need a yard. How can I get by? Can I even get by? Can I do this? What about work? Slow weeks at work? Do I hire a lawyer now? Get ready? What about alimony? What is reasonable? What about my car? Do I request he pays for my car so I can keep it? What if he won't? Shitfire. I don't fucking know anymore. I just don't.

I called a loan officer today about a house. Because the company I work for has me as a 'contract' worker, that makes it a bit more difficult. I also learned that I might not be able to get a house until the split, as both parties would have to be on the title. Clearly that won't work.

I will more than likely get a call back tomorrow with the bad news. Which is totally crazy because when I worked for crazy lady, I was pre-approved for an $85k house the first time he wanted to get rid of me. Now with excellent credit and making more money, I probably won't get that chance.

I'm just so unhappy. I just want out. I am ready to start over.

The other night I read through all the unpublished blog entries here. 3 years worth of logged arguments. 3 years where everything was my fault - every bad day, bad mood. Where I sat there in tears, alone for hours. For something I didn't even do, but was made to feel like I did. Pouring my heart and soul out only to be ignored completely, taking 2nd priority behind a you-tube video on the computer. I feel like I want the last 5 years back.

....half a decade of wasted years, hoping for things to get better, when I knew from the first incident that would never happen. I'm such a fool, such a dumbass. 5 years of someone trying to convince me I was only in it for money, assuming even my parents wanted his money. Why? Why would a person say things like that? There's so much I still can't forget - the time he tried to abandon me in the parking lot, the dance with my dad at my wedding I will never get to have, forcing my unemployed parents to foot the bill for a wedding as a way for me to prove to him they didn't want his money either. I've never wanted to kick myself in the ass so much as I have for the past few years. And yet I let it continue.

Years of ignoring and putting off the inevitable, all because I'm too scared to make the change I need to make.

That time is now.

07/23/13

oh yeah....Boston:


I totally didn't blog about our 'vacation'. Now, I use that term very loosely. VERY.

DC wasn't too bad. Lots of walking, lots of rain, but overall, not too bad. By the 2nd leg of the trip, his mood had completely turned. Back on my case about this, that and the other, he was at least nice to my family up in Jersey.

The worst thing in Boston, was the hotel issue. Okay - he'd been moody - for some reason or another - happens enough that I can't remember the small things. Anyway, earlier we'd joked about how small our hotel room was. We went to go meet Laurie and Snide at their hotel (Courtyard, which we stayed at a Courtyard the night before, king bed, huge room, etc) so while in the lobby waiting for them, in an attempt to make small talk since we weren't really talking I say 'I bet they have bigger rooms here than we do. Maybe we should have stayed here.' (lol)

'oh, now your room isn't good enough. Well I'm just sooo sorry you hate it, and aren't happy with it'. 'I didn't say that, I was only joking about the room size, and mentioned it since we stayed at a courtyard last night. Sorry'

'I'm just so sick of this, all you want to do it spend all my money'. 'What?! I've spent $7 on this entire trip so far....that's it.(didn't mention he'd spent $20+). I'm sorry i brought it up at all.' Then he said it. The one thing I've asked him never to call me. and he did....in public, in a hotel lobby, he called me a bitch. 'WTH, what is your deal? Why would you call me that?! All because of a hotel room!?' 'shut up' he says to me. Now I'm mad. 'you shut the fuck up. What is your deal? I didn't do anything for you to get like this!'

I moved to the other side of the lobby, doing my best not to cry at the man who thrives on disrespecting me, and didn't speak but a few words the entire night. Even with Snide and Laurie there.

On the way home there was another fight because I was running 10mph over the speed limit, and he insisted I would get pulled over (I was going with traffic) but I could just keep on driving how I wanted, I could pay the ticket with MY money, it's MY license that would get the points. I must not care about MY money since I don't care if it goes towards a ticket. I set the cruise at 5 under and didn't say a word to him for at least 2 hours.

Longest f'n vacation in years.

06/11/13

Went to the grocery store after work to pick up stuff for dinner and lunches for the rest of the week. He insisted last night we had plenty of leftovers and a trip to the store was un-needed, so I ended up eating a hot dog omelette while he had leftover pot roast and (literally) moldy cornbread. Told him earlier that I would make shrimp and a tomato pie.

I get home from the store, and he asks how much everything was '$80?' I said no, it was $70.

Oh, here we go. He doesn't see why I spend so much on food, we have plenty in the house, why do I like to spend so much on food, I'm there every few days, why can't I eat leftovers (may I add I've eaten pot roast 3 days in a row now and that I practically live on leftovers and nothing else). I literally apologized at least 4 times for buying food. The man seriously ate fucking moldy cornbread last night and here he is chewing my ass out for buying fresh food for us to eat. He also didn't take into account that at least $20 of that was for the mac and cheese I'm apparently now making for him to smoke for a party that Lanny and Melissa are having. So all in all, I got chewed out for spending $50 to feed us for a week.

....and believe me, I went off on him too. Don't fuck with me anymore buddy. Don't even.

So I tell him I've already apologized at least 20 times, and we are dropping this. I'm told that I am not to buy any more food for the next month.

Do you know how tempted I was to remind him of the $400 he spent on a piece of artwork last weekend??

So I start on dinner, while he goes and heats up leftovers. Fully knowing I was making us a nice dinner tonight. He proceeds to eat in the living room while I'm still cooking.

Sure I ended up eating alone, but at least it was good and fresh food.

After I eat, he's still sitting on his computer watching various u-tube clips and whatnot, so I clean up from dinner and proceed to go upstairs to start organizing the closet in my front room....the one that is so bad he honestly thinks I'm a hoarder. So I'm up there for right about an hour, and he finally comes up ' you just going to sit up here all night?' 'I can come downstairs'. 'no, don't bother, I've already closed everything up'. End of discussion. End of night.

Awesome.

05/31/13

Here's the shit I deal with on a weekly basis.

It's 5:30am. I've gotten his coffee started, his lunch ready. He comes downstairs and I go to let the pups outside. While I'm out there, a lady with two boxers walks by and of course the dogs go ballistic. I apologize to the lady and pull the pups inside. I give them a quick swat on the bum and tell them to hush and they were going to wake the whole neighborhood.

Jones peed so I unleashed him, then I go back out with May and she pees. I come in and Rob asks what was out there and I told him. He asked if Jones was barking too, and I said he was almost howling out there. I told the pups they weren't getting a treat and that was that.

Rob goes to leave for work. 'well, I'm out. Hope your day gets better'. 'What do you mean ''gets better?''. He points at the pups. I reply 'why would that give me a bad day? They are dogs. So what if they barked'. Clearly my reply makes him more upset. 'well you are out there yelling at them'. 'So? I didn't want them going crazy barking out there. That happens. I'm sorry if you think it ruined my day'. 'ugh. whatever'. As he walks out the door I tell him 'hope your day gets better'.

HA.

Only someone as negative as him would cop an attitude with me and go on and on about how my day must be 'ruined'. Oh how I tire of his attitude!!

04/19/13

until it happens.....:


you can sorta mentally prepare for a worst case scenario. Then it presents itself and you realize how unprepared you actually were.

Rob was snippy as soon as I got in - all over an avocado. I mentioned putting some on my burger and he replied 'oh, that does sound good'. I start to cut it, and ask if he wants some. 'no'. 'you just said it sounded good' 'ok, if it'll make you happy'. 'this isn't about eating it to make me happy, I don't care if you don't want any, I was just wondering because a minute ago you said you wanted some'.

Here it begins.

He doesn't know why I keep acting like I do - I tell him the same. Naturally, and in his fashion, he denies he does anything wrong. He says I've been 'burning the candle from both ends' for a couple months now. What have I done in a couple months? When it comes to him - nothing out of the ordinary, except for the fact that when I learned he wouldn't care much about what I say, I started to treat him the same.

I tell him 'so, ok - you think I'm not doing anything, I think you aren't doing anything - let's figure out what we need to do'. His reply 'eh, I'll give it a couple more months'.

His 'list':

No more 'yelling' at the dogs. I don't yell. I speak firmly when they need it. I told him I can stop getting on their case when they chew on their feet, and we can let them chew their feet til they bleed.

Next, it is my 'duty' to give him sex every time he asks for it. I said "really??". Yes, Every time. By doing so he will apparently start to respect me more. Like it's some sort of trade off!?

He says 'his part' is 1.paying the bills. I reminded him that 3/4 of everything I make goes to him. It's not just him paying the bills. 2. He pays for me to have nice things, like a car.

With everything he says I'm more than in agreement with him and I can tell this was not the reaction he was expecting. 3. no more alcohol ever again. This is his last straw to get me to disagree most likely so he has means for the 'big D' - me not agreeing to do everything I can. He says he'll make up a list, on paper, to hang on the fridge with everything else he will require.

The best part of this - he didn't once ask what he could do. The strongest indication that he's already given up.

Just like last time he got like this and cast me aside - it's easier to give up when things get tough than to have patience and put forth effort. Not just fall asleep on the couch at 8pm every night and get testy all the time and blame me.

He also brought up how he wanted kids and I said before 'at the end of the year' and it still hasn't happened. I told him I wasn't ready until I knew we would be okay - that bringing a kid into a broken and stressed house wouldn't fix anything, but only make it worse.

He said I should put my money into fixing up the house since I seem to hate the house, I hate the neighbors, I hate the neighborhood, I apparently hate this and hate that. I told him he was being really negative, I didn't hate anything. I told him 'sure, I tire of the drama, sure there's a couple people I don't like, find someone else in this neighborhood who doesn't feel the same'. Naturally, he claims it's him. He likes everyone. I politely reminded him that I'd heard him many times calling some of them names in the past. He got quiet and I told him that he needed to stop putting on a face to try and sound better than everyone. Just to be himself, be normal. Say what he's feeling.

01/18/12

Why do people get married?:


I don't understand it.

People fall in love. They get married. They live happily ever after.

Right?

.....I can honestly say that I've never been 'truly' happy with a person. In the past, abusive - both physically and mentally. Now - judgmental and moody. Is this what life is? Being tied to a person that you are constantly trying to make happy only to have them constantly be mad at you for one thing or another?

This morning just after I left the house, Rob calls me to tell me that a meeting reminder popped up on his computer, reminding him that today was apparently the 6th anniversary of the first time we 'met'. I say met loosely, because it's the first time we talked online via corvetteforum. Was my reply super-ecstatic? Not really. So naturally he got upset 'well I'm sorry I bothered you then. I thought you would want to know that. I thought it was neat'. 'yeah, that is neat, hard to believe it's been that long'. My reply was basically null and void at this point in the conversation though because he was already short tempered by my reply not living up to what he expected it to be.

Fast forward to this afternoon - phone rings at work. I can tell you that just about every time he calls me at work he gets pissed off. I talk quietly, and my answers are usually a bit shorter than normal - just as his are on the rare occasion I have to call him at work. He calls to tell me that state farm called him about my fender bender, and asked me if I wanted the number to call them back. 'Sure, I can call them on my way home from work.' He starts to say the number, I write it down as he says it. After he tells me the extension of the person I need to talk to, the line goes quiet. 'Are you there?' I asked. 'Yeah - you didn't say anything so I didn't know if you were even writing down the number. I can't see you over the phone to know if you are writing it down or not' 'I'm sorry, yes I was writing it down'. Que the short temper again - I didn't reply correctly, or fast enough, or something and that set him off. I asked if he could tell me the claim number, and as fast as his mouth let him spit it out, he did. Fully knowing I couldn't write it down that fast.

So now he's pissed off. Again. At me. Big shock.

I really wonder at what point does he calm down? At what point does he chill out, take responsibility for his own actions and stop taking them out on me?

I asked him this morning 'why do you get mad at me so easily?'

His reply, in a tense, short voice 'oh, I'm not mad'....

famous last words.

Hopefully he'll be better after his trip to the gym.

12/13/12

Don't dare say no tree:

It's normal to get a tree - right? 70% of Americans get a Christmas Tree. We were supposed to have done it last weekend, but Rob had a bad hangover. He told me we could do it one night this week.

He calls me at work. Tells me he wants to go to costco on Saturday - I remind him about the tree. 'oh. Well, there's only a week left. We'll only be home 3 days until we leave for Christmas'. Which means....no tree.

Before he gets home from dinner with Chris and Jimmy tonight there will be one in the living room.

done.

12/11/12

feeling so let down....:

I've spent 7 months looking for a camper. Rob knows this. He knew my price limit was $1500.....so some months back he told me to look for something up to $3,000, he would kick in the rest so we would have a camper.

Fast forward to today. 7 months of looking. Finding only 2 in nashville in that time, and seeing them both - leaving empty handed and disappointed both times.

Last week I finally find one. A tad over the limit - $2500, but $1100 to ship it from Cali to here. He knows I'm looking - even tells me to start a thread on our vette forum to see if someone else can check it out - saying how he'd hate to get it back here to find out it's rusted, leaking, etc.

I schedule someone to see it. I price out shipping.

So what does he ask tonight? 'how you going to pay for it.' I tell him I've got $2500, the motorcycle is up for sale, and I'll pay him back the shipping cost after it sells.

nope.

suddenly we 'don't have it'.


'well, since it's just SO important to you, we'll just not pay your car note for a couple months. We can pass on paying the bills, they aren't that important'.

You jackass.

Once again....my hopes up....I finally find the right one, and you pull this shit. Thanks a fucking heap. If it were something you wanted, I bet $100 we'd have the money for it. I once again wandered upstairs to cry. I've learned that crying within his range only makes him a bigger asshole.

I'm so pissed.

edit as of 12/12/12 - once he found out I was already about to buy it, he told me he'd give me $1000. Well lookie there - he did have it after all. Told him not to worry about it. I'd gotten approved for a small loan - bought it all myself. Ha.

12/11/12

The silent game:

It never fails - EVERY time I get sick he gets mad at me. Like - I'm not feeling bad enough - please, make me feel worse. I beg you.

I left work early today - got home, laid down on the couch, Rob calls and tells me 'oh, just take it easy, and get some rest. Don't worry about doing anything in the house'. So I do. I lounge like a lazy bum from about 2pm until he got home at 7.

Earlier on the phone I'd told him how I was cold and once again couldn't get the fireplace to light. He knows the thing has issues. I tell him I think it's the ignitor. Now all the sudden it's always worked for him. I even reminded him how it took him quite a few tries last time. 'Well, we can go to the fireplace store, get a new one. Should only be about $300. Maybe even $400' 'Um, I wasn't saying to buy a new one'

Too late. Here goes the rest of the night.

He mentions he's getting hungry on his drive back from Memphis. Talks about stopping somewhere, asks if we have any chicken left, I tell him yes. Subject gets changed.

Before he got home I decided to at least unload the dishwasher - like - you ever get a gut feeling about something that will happen? I had a gut feeling if I didn't unload the dishwasher, he'd get upset. So I unload it, do all the dishes, and straighten up the kitchen a bit.

He gets home - opens the oven. Asks where dinner is. I told him he didn't ask me to make it. He didn't even strongly indicate that I was supposed to make something. 'I'm sorry - I didn't know I was supposed to make something. You didn't ask me to.' 'oh, I guess you figured I don't like to eat dinner'. I don't say a word.

He then goes to show me a poster that his papaw gave his mom. I help him unroll it, and it's an old pic of him as a kid. I ask him 'did you want to frame it?'. 'I don't care what you do with it. You can throw it away. Mom gave it to you'. Seriously? Throw it away? I told him he was being really negative, this ticked him off more. He re-heated some leftovers. Carried them upstairs. Ate upstairs, and I'm assuming is already in bed.


God I love being sick.

10/15/12

Been gone 3 days.....home 1 hour, he's already testy.

Some show on TV about science. He says 'nothing else on except baseball if you would rather watch that.' Thinking he was joking, I said nothing. He got upset I didn't answer. I told him I didn't think it was an actual question, but a rhetorical one, as I don't watch sports on TV - he knows this.

Later on, I'm cleaning, he's telling me about the soup he made, partway through, he stops. I look at him and ask if he was going to finish. Apparently because I didn't look at him, he figured I wasn't listening. Asks what's wrong with me, and says apparently two days away wasn't enough.

So.....he can ignore me, but if I don't look at him when he's talking - I'm ignoring him and that's unacceptable.

got it.



This morning, as I'm getting his lunch ready, I saw the wine stopper on the counter, asked if he finished the wine. He said No, he threw it out. I asked why. He said it's because it wasn't any good, was sitting out. It's red wine. For 4 years we've left red wine sitting out. I asked what his real reason was. He repeated. Then, I said 'That's not your real reason'. He says 'you want to know why? When you drank it you got irritable with me'. This was on Wednesday. He dumped it because he was still mad 4 days later. I wasn't irritable that day either. Kinda went like last night where he got mad at something I had done, I've tried to act nonchalant in these situations, because that's how he acts - has NOT been working.


I've tried this reverse psychology thing.....treat him like he treats me. I think we are pretty close to him throwing me out. I guess I just need to go back to being a pushover and let him treat me like shit. That's all he can handle. Last night he showed absolutely no signs of missing me or being glad to see me. He figured I'd come home in a bad mood (which he did figure it was a bad weekend because of lu not showing up and we didn't finish painting). Because he assumed this - he just figured I'd come home in a bad mood, so treated me that way. Which is why the fight started.

09/28/12

painting:

"Maybe I paint the door before I hang this hook on it." I tell him, as he's been wanting it done for years.

"Well, you have to get approval from the HOA first on a color."

"I thought you wanted black. Everyone's is black"

"Well, you would have to go get Tommy's ladder to paint the shutters. His ladder is the only one that will reach. One of the shutters is upside down, you will have to take it down and flip it"

"you know what, you could have just said 'not today'. You don't have to go into overly complicated instructions to try and persuade me not to paint"

nothing is simple. nothing.

09/03/2012

...and we were doing so well:

For about three weeks, things were good. No bickering, no fighting. It was nice. Now.....we are back to normal. He got upset that we are leaving for vacation on Sunday - instead of originally planned Saturday. Except that he knew this. He's known this. I was sitting right here when he called his Aunt over a month ago to let her know we'd be in one day later, since my parents would be here.

He's 'forgotten' again it seems.

So yesterday I make the mistake of asking him (politely) if he would prefer if I didn't talk to him as much. Puzzled, he asks 'why?'. " well, you are either completely annoyed with me bothering you, or you completely block me out." His reply "well, you are always either talking to the dogs or just rambling". So I walked away. That was my answer. Of course I talk to my dogs, I've got a husband who constantly ignores me, or gets offended, convinced I've got some tone or underlying evil reasoning.

Then, this morning - we start talking about the upcoming wisdom tooth removals I'm already dreading. I mentioned I need to find a time to do it, since I'll need to take a few days off work. When he got his done when he was younger, he went to school the next day - I should be able to as well.

Really.

Needless to say, I'll make sure either my sister or dad is up here to take care of me when I go in. He gets mad with me when I have a cold. I can't even imagine surgery.

ugh.

08/29/12

sh!t my huband says:

I get home from work last night. A bit tired, a bit frazzled from traffic. Nothing out of the ordinary. He notices I'm a bit quiet, and asks 'What's the matter? Bad day?" To which I reply "no, not really. Just frustrated and tired. That's all." "Frustrated? You don't like your job??" "um, no - job is going great. Just get frustrated with traffic. I don't understand why people insist on blocking me from getting onto the interstate. It's like they are just so vengeful that they do their absolute best to piss off people who are just trying to go home. Just like them. It's not like I'm cutting people off to get ahead - that's just where I have to get onto the interstate. I really just hate people...." Oh....I should have never said a word.

"Well, I don't see why you get frustrated and hate people. Maybe you need to go get some help". Oh shit fire, here we go again. My witty reply: "Yeah - I think you are just too happy. It's not normal. Maybe you should get some help too" As if by my saying this, he'll even begin to see this from another point of view. "You know what, if you are going to be this way, you can stay here, and I'll just go to dinner with Alan alone."

Oh here's the can of worms that you just opened dear husband.....I went off. "Really? If you are going to sit here and get upset when I tell you what is frustrating me, then DON'T ASK. I'm in a bad mood? Ignore it. Apparently you cannot handle hearing what bothers other people without letting it affect you, so just don't even bother to ask. Let me come home frustrated, relax for a few minutes, and I'll be fine. OR, you can ask what's wrong, I'll tell you, and you'll get mad. If you think I need 'help' just because I get frustrated in traffic, then just about everyone on this planet should also seek professional help. EVERYONE gets frustrated in traffic. This is how I deal with it. You don't cope with a bad day the way I do, do you? No. Do I sit here and attack you and tell you that you need 'help' because you deal with it differently? No. Nor will I. You are a different person. You handle things differently. I don't always agree with it, but do I try to change you? No. I accept you, just as you should accept me. Plain and simple."

My rant ended. He was quiet.

Argument ended. I'm amazed.

08/09/12

.....and this is what it takes:


I opted not to go to cruise in tonight - we just got Dora's remains back, and I just wanted to stay home. He said 'ok, well you are still going with me tomorrow night and saturday aren't you?' 'Yeah, that's the plan'. 'I know you have your thing Saturday morning', and I reply with 'which one?' 'What do you mean which one?' Obviously forgetting our conversation with Cindy just yesterday about the charity ride I'd been debating about going to. So I remind him which follows with: 'oh, well, I thought the Wilson county fair was more important to you'. And there it is. The comment of attitude, which will ruin the whole night.

I tell him 'can you phrase that a little nicer??' 'What, I didn't say anything wrong'. 'It's how you phrase it. I really don't need to deal with your snide comments tonight', and I proceed to go upstairs with nasty little remarks as I walk up the stairs. Once again he left here saying I caused it because I took it the wrong way. It must have absolutely nothing to do with how he phrases things to sound so smart assy.

FML

08/07/12

You did not just say that....: (this post follows just 2 days after having to put Dora to sleep)


Made it most the way through an evening out with Rob and Alan, I couldn't help but get depressed towards the end of the night, avoiding bursting into tears while we were out. On our way back I start to cry......I actually made it through most of the day avoiding it.

Yes, my crying turned into an argument. Instead of just patting my leg or shoulder to reassure me, it turns into 20 questions 'would you have rather left her until her heart completely failed and she couldn't walk at all anymore?' My reply was just to leave me alone and let me cry - followed by 'well, have you lost a pet before? or a family member? I guess I'm ok since I'm older' Seriously? So being the smart ass I am I replied 'yeah, you are just so much older and wiser, knowing the proper way to mourn'. 'Well, how long you going to be like this? a week? two weeks? a month? a year? two years?' seriously, shut the fuck up and let me cry!!!!

He already got upset that I didn't go to work on Monday. He was 100% supportive and there for me for about the first 8 hours......once I wouldn't snap out of it, he got pissed - called me 'unrealistic', which resulted in me talking to dave for an hour at 1am just because I had to have someone to talk to, and he refused to even come to bed because of my 'attitude'.

thanks a f'n heap you sensitive and supporting husband.

thanks.

07/16/12

'date night':


Was a nightmare.

Met at Yazoo Brewery and had a couple beers while talking with Brandi and Brian. We had a gift card for a chain of pricey, trendy restaurants in that area, and that was the plan. When we were getting ready to leave, he suggested we go to 'The Pharmacy' - a trendy burger place down the road. So we get there, and it's at least an hour wait. They had a long line and I told him I wasn't going to wait an hour for a burger - he suggests another place, and as we are about to pull up, I asked 'how expensive is this place?'. 'Well, it won't be cheap, but you wanted a date night'. I snapped. Guilting me when all this was his idea! I pulled over, started crying. Petty reason to cry? Sure, but I had so much frustration about his behavior built up, that his snide little comment set me off. I told him all the things I'd been upset about - in standard fashion he was more annoyed than anything, and I asked him to drive home - I didn't know the way and wasn't in the mood to take direction from him. Asking that favor led to him out of nowhere, mocking how he thinks I drive my car - grinding the gear, lurching, slamming on the brakes saying things like 'see, now I drive like you. I should have bought you an automatic, since you can't seem to drive a stick' and yada yada yada......really? I'm sitting here bawling my eyes out, and this is your solution?? Further mocking me?

We got home and I flat out ignored him for at least an hour - sitting on the bed reading, calming down. He actually came up there. A first. We talked, more politely....I explained to him how important he is to me, and how badly he's been hurting me with his petty comments. He apologized and the rest of the night went better. This was all new for him, and I was quite surprised. Maybe there is hope.

However last night he ticked me off again - it came back to the camper. We have to put it in the garage, and I suggested putting the bikes in the dining room, since we never use it. This wasn't going to work - clearly. He was afraid of what his parents would think when they came to visit. So I told him I'd bring the camper to GA and dad and I could work on it, he wouldn't have to see it. He said 'fine, but bring back every single receipt for gas, and we'll deduct that from your savings'. Seriously?? Goes back to the IM conversation where he told me I had to sell it. Then he suggested I sell my bike, I don't use it often anyway.....I told him I can bring that to GA too and he won't have to be worried about it. His reply? "well, so ahead and take the dogs too since you seem to be moving your things down there". Naturally, he should be allowed to have a house full of things he never uses, but it's somehow 'different' than me keeping my own motorcycle. So - I listed that on Craigslist too. Just to make him happy.

Anyway - guy came to look at the camper yesterday, offered me $750 on it and without skipping a beat, I said 'ok'. Rob asked why I didn't negotiate for $800, and all I said was 'you wanted it gone, now it's gone'. Oh.....and so...the woman that was over with the guy to get the camper, asked me about our patio - who had done it, etc.....I told her to ask Rob, he has the guy's info. He goes and tells her that HE did it. Really? Is his ego so blown, or his self confidence so low that he would tell someone he poured, stamped, and stained our patio? All he did was write the check to the guy that did.

I don't know what his deal is lately......but it needs to end. I'm thinking it's low self esteem and lack of self confidence. He continually says how I have these issues, I need counseling, I'm the negative one - but here are two signs of low self confidence:

"3. Guilt. He always tells you "Look what I have done for you!" Somehow all events and conversations turns to it is about him and what HE has done for you

4. Your Fault. Any disagreements or strife is always gets turned around to somehow it was your fault that created it. HE never takes accountability for his own behavior"

Two things I hear over and over in arguments. Now I don't claim to be perfect - I screw up a lot, but I can admit my weaknesses, not blame them on someone else. I do love him more than anything and want so desperately to get past this....I just wish he would realize he isn't perfect - and learn to embrace it.

07/12/12

Anger, Disappointment, No Support:

I swear - sometimes he can be the biggest asshole. So I find out that I didn't make the team....should I have been surprised? No, not really. Was I still disappointed? Absolutely. I was the 5th best skater, but lack the beautiful hair that all the other girls had.

So I PM him to tell him that I didn't make the team, that next year I'll get extensions or something and a better outfit and that he's off the hook this year, because I would have needed new skates anyway since mine are 16 years old, and my ankles are still bruised from Sunday's tryouts....and it's now Thursday.

Told him that maybe for Christmas I can get new boots. His first response? '$1000?'. I told him no, that there were some on sale for $250 - sent him a link to some that were on closeout for $270. 'oh, so they aren't $250, more like $300'. I explained that it was just one link to some that were on sale - there were others that were less.

I tell him I want to skate a couple times a month, he automatically says that's fine, he'll cancel the membership to the Y.....since the $20 it will cost me will surely break the bank and we just can't afford all this. Like he's trying to make me feel guilty about wanting to do something.

This opens a can of worms. Here I am fighting back tears from an insensitive husband who didn't give me one supportive word that I didn't make the team, but instead lectured me about spending money. How I used to be frugal, and now that we are married I just love spending all his money, buying a camper, new work clothes, a bike'. I reminded him that the camper and bike were bought with money I got from the selling the moped I won - and that when we just dropped $1300 on disc brakes for the VW with the b-day money he was given, I didn't say a word to him. He says that's different. Then he brings up the townhouse, asking if it's paid off (he knows it's not, we just had this discussion last month) So....I owe on something, I should never buy myself another thing until it's paid off. He owes on things, he can buy what he wants, and it's somehow different. Then he brings up about the tattoo I want, that'll cost money too ($75). I reminded him that I was supposed to get it for my b-day AND I ended up having to return another gift he'd given me ($100 I won't see again - since I was suppose to use it towards a wide angle, that now I can't get either).

I could be one of these snotty materialistic women who like designer clothes, expensive shoes, and $300 purses, but I'm not. I spent a couple hundred bucks he told me to spend on a new work wardrobe at kohl's and spend the rest of my money on groceries and gas......and I'm told I need to cut corners.

I was also just told that I am to sell my camper. Since it'll cost money to keep it in storage. I told him that it's mine - I'll do with it what I want. And now I can't go pick up my pics at costco, and that we will not be entering anything in the wilson county fair (total cost for everything I'm doing for it - $17) Seventeen dollars.


I'm trying to not cry....and I'm so mad that I'm shaking and could puke. I'll only assume this voids out date night tomorrow that we had planned.....with HIS suggestion of stopping by the tattoo place. HA!!!