In limbo.....

It's incredibly hard to describe how I'm feeling. Part of me understands and accepts what has happened, but another part of me doesn't think it's actually real. This is a first for me. We always had a family pet and I dealt with the loss of her, but Dora was my little girl - So I'm not entirely sure how I'm supposed to feel. Maybe I'm crazy.

Actually - I probably am. Her favorite toy was always 'hula'. This little orange Hawaiian cat toy that once had little round hands and feet attached with strings. Dora loved strings, and now it's a little orange cat torso. And it's in my pocket. I carry it around. I even sleep with it. Strangely enough I fall asleep with it in my hand, and I don't know how, but it's still in my hand when I wake up in the mornings. I will lose the remote, my glasses, my cell phone, all while asleep, but a small stuffed cat.....never.

Told you I'm not good at letting go.

Taco is starting to fight the depression of losing her as well. I was putting all her little shirts in a container (can't let go of those either) and he came upstairs, laid down on the bed, and put his head on one. When I went back downstairs, he was still there.....he wouldn't move and he had the saddest look in his eyes. Now it's not just me I have to worry about getting over this, but him too. It's hard to understand loss when you are a dog who already understands so little.

I've gone through the stages, the anger, the guilt, and I'm somewhere lost between denial and acceptance. Which is a very strange place to be. I feel like nothing is wrong, and then realize there's a little orange cat torso in my pocket reminding me that I won't go home to a little blind and deaf dog, who miraculously always seemed to know when I pulled up in the driveway. We had that sort of bond though.....and she always came to me first - when she was scared or hurt or just wanted to be held. Maybe that's why I felt the guilt and anger - like I let her down.

I don't know.

Limbo is a strange place to be. Especially when there's no blind dog to guide you through it.

Trying to Carry On......

It's strange.....

Like I should have carried her bed upstairs last night when I went to bed. But I didn't. I couldn't bear to even roll over and look down, where she used to sleep on the floor right next to me. The past couple years I had her sleep within arms reach to me, so that I could keep a closer eye on her - and for the past couple weeks Taco Jones wouldn't leave her side at night. If I didn't put his bed right next to hers, he would sleep on the floor. It's like he knew - he was probably more prepared for this than I was.

I know it was for the best, but I just feel so empty, so alone without her here. I want more than anything to just hold her one more time and kiss her little furry cheeks, but I know I wouldn't want to let go if I did. I'm not good with letting go in general.

Mama misses you boo......

hope you enjoyed your first night free of pain - hope you saw and heard lots of great things.

xo

Saying Goodbye

This is probably the most difficult post I will ever write. But I know I won't be able to write it after this.

2 days.....it's really hard to set a time limit on how much time you have left with someone. Even if that someone is a dog.

An old, blind, deaf dog. One that I've shared my life with for nearly 14 years now. I was 17 years old when I brought home a tiny wrinkly hairless pup. Before the movies and TV really made this breed known. Dora Winefred - soon to be known as Dizzy Dora once she grew and her personality proved she could spin in more circles on the floor, than I could on the ice.

We went to the lake. Went went hiking. We went off-roading in the jeep, camping in the woods, jetskiing across the lake. For a 12 pound dog, she's done a lot. But even the adventurous age, they grow old.....their bodies grow weak and parts fail.

We have done what we could to keep her comfortable, but there's little else we can do. Except make the hardest decision that a pet owner can face. Two days.......they will prove to be the longest, and the shortest two days I've had to endure in my life so far. As much as we've tried to prepare ourselves, we realize that you can never full prepare for this moment.

I love you Dora Winefred. I love you more than anything......I always will.

xoxo