In limbo.....

It's incredibly hard to describe how I'm feeling. Part of me understands and accepts what has happened, but another part of me doesn't think it's actually real. This is a first for me. We always had a family pet and I dealt with the loss of her, but Dora was my little girl - So I'm not entirely sure how I'm supposed to feel. Maybe I'm crazy.

Actually - I probably am. Her favorite toy was always 'hula'. This little orange Hawaiian cat toy that once had little round hands and feet attached with strings. Dora loved strings, and now it's a little orange cat torso. And it's in my pocket. I carry it around. I even sleep with it. Strangely enough I fall asleep with it in my hand, and I don't know how, but it's still in my hand when I wake up in the mornings. I will lose the remote, my glasses, my cell phone, all while asleep, but a small stuffed cat.....never.

Told you I'm not good at letting go.

Taco is starting to fight the depression of losing her as well. I was putting all her little shirts in a container (can't let go of those either) and he came upstairs, laid down on the bed, and put his head on one. When I went back downstairs, he was still there.....he wouldn't move and he had the saddest look in his eyes. Now it's not just me I have to worry about getting over this, but him too. It's hard to understand loss when you are a dog who already understands so little.

I've gone through the stages, the anger, the guilt, and I'm somewhere lost between denial and acceptance. Which is a very strange place to be. I feel like nothing is wrong, and then realize there's a little orange cat torso in my pocket reminding me that I won't go home to a little blind and deaf dog, who miraculously always seemed to know when I pulled up in the driveway. We had that sort of bond though.....and she always came to me first - when she was scared or hurt or just wanted to be held. Maybe that's why I felt the guilt and anger - like I let her down.

I don't know.

Limbo is a strange place to be. Especially when there's no blind dog to guide you through it.

Trying to Carry On......

It's strange.....

Like I should have carried her bed upstairs last night when I went to bed. But I didn't. I couldn't bear to even roll over and look down, where she used to sleep on the floor right next to me. The past couple years I had her sleep within arms reach to me, so that I could keep a closer eye on her - and for the past couple weeks Taco Jones wouldn't leave her side at night. If I didn't put his bed right next to hers, he would sleep on the floor. It's like he knew - he was probably more prepared for this than I was.

I know it was for the best, but I just feel so empty, so alone without her here. I want more than anything to just hold her one more time and kiss her little furry cheeks, but I know I wouldn't want to let go if I did. I'm not good with letting go in general.

Mama misses you boo......

hope you enjoyed your first night free of pain - hope you saw and heard lots of great things.

xo

Saying Goodbye

This is probably the most difficult post I will ever write. But I know I won't be able to write it after this.

2 days.....it's really hard to set a time limit on how much time you have left with someone. Even if that someone is a dog.

An old, blind, deaf dog. One that I've shared my life with for nearly 14 years now. I was 17 years old when I brought home a tiny wrinkly hairless pup. Before the movies and TV really made this breed known. Dora Winefred - soon to be known as Dizzy Dora once she grew and her personality proved she could spin in more circles on the floor, than I could on the ice.

We went to the lake. Went went hiking. We went off-roading in the jeep, camping in the woods, jetskiing across the lake. For a 12 pound dog, she's done a lot. But even the adventurous age, they grow old.....their bodies grow weak and parts fail.

We have done what we could to keep her comfortable, but there's little else we can do. Except make the hardest decision that a pet owner can face. Two days.......they will prove to be the longest, and the shortest two days I've had to endure in my life so far. As much as we've tried to prepare ourselves, we realize that you can never full prepare for this moment.

I love you Dora Winefred. I love you more than anything......I always will.

xoxo

What can that degree in Child Behavior get you?

Apparently not a job or the ability to control your own children.

You walk in here like you own the world - like you are above the intelligence of us all. The reason you are here being that your heathen of a child will not behave, listen, obey, and repeatedly hits other children. Gosh, that degree must really be paying off. It has to, considering your child is one of the top 10 of the worst that we have here.

Any question with you is automatically a 30 minute conversation. Even so much as letting you know to bring in diapers for your 3 year old turns into a hostile situation as you swear up and down you bring in plenty each week (month). Don't walk in here spewing what you consider knowledge in child behavior, tell US what you think we are doing wrong, when clearly, the issue stems from home. He's in my office at least 3 times a week, with that blank look on his face, fingers up his nose, or in his eyes.....yeah - he's a real gem of a child. You must be so proud.

oh yeah, and one more thing 'wise mom who knows all', pay your bill already. We aren't free.

Oh Friday you are just around the corner.....

Getting ready for the holidays

My life is once again becoming interesting enough that I possess the ability to blog weekly at a minimum without my reader succumbing to boredom.

This holiday season I am sincerely trying my best to embrace what the season really means, and take the time to enjoy it. We have 5 more days of work left before going on a nice week and a half long winter break, in which time I plan on doing my Christmas baking, something I didn't have the time (or spirit) for last year.

Work has been going decent, but with the holiday break right around the corner, I think that most of my co-workers are putting in the least amount of effort possible to get through these last few days. I only wish I could sit on my rear and surf the internet, or text my friends for at least 3 hours a day (and still get paid for it!).

I went home yesterday, frustrated beyond belief at the sheer laziness of people. Won't take out their trash, even though they walk out the front door 4 times a day for a (paid) 15 minute long smoke break, so I have to. Failing to fill out the necessary paperwork that they are required to do for the children in their class (despite the 2 extra teachers who are in there every day to 'hang out' and avoid work) and then asking me to grab something for you or cover a bathroom break, when I'm sitting there doing YOUR work! Seriously?!

5 days......5 days.......5 days......

WTF

Seriously, all you bad parents out there. You know who you are. You smoke pot with your 2 year old son in the car....on day care property. You take the clothes that we donate to you because when you steal from wal-mart, you only steal for yourself - then you chew me out when I tell you there's a $6.00 fee for not signing your child in and out those three days when you were too high to do it.

You fucking yell and talk down to me when I ask you to pay your bill after your kids have been going here for 2 months and you are yet to pay. Then I hear that you are back on crack and attempted to strangle your 10 year old daughter. Seriously?

Don't walk in to my place of work and treat me like shit for one second. Don't even try. I supply your children with food, and love, and affection - three things you fail to provide because your low trailer trash life is far more important.

I have no kids, yet am already a better parent than you, despite the fact you have 3 children.

WTF is wrong with society......I just don't get it. Why can you not realize that you are responsible for a human life. A child. The most impressionable mind you can imagine, and yet you do nothing. You do not deserve children - you do not deserve the right to reproduce, and some days, even breathe.

How can your fucking fat ass sit there and starve your child, yet go to Sonic and McDonald's 4 times a week, despite the fact you have no money - and give your one and a half year old NOTHING to eat. Have you ever seen a child, nearly two, weighing 19 lbs who has the inability to even walk on his own? Yet the state sits back and lets it slide through each time they go to the house to visit for neglect. These are the ones who stand no chance. These are the ones who continue the cycle of worthlessness as they age and grow into society.

.......too many days I'm convinced there is more bad in life, than good.

I apologize for the profanity, as I know I'm not much of one to swear, but it's unreal. These are the people you hear about on the news - the ones where you tell yourself, 'oh, that's too bad', but to see it every day, and have no ability to really help in the situation - it's the single most frustrating thing you can imagine.

/rant.

Geez, time flies by.....

Some days I remember my childhood so vividly - on a family trip to Florida, or playing with my sister on the living room floor during summer vacation. Every so often, I get an instant flash of another memory that I had forgotten about for well over 20 years, and it takes me back to those years, when all that mattered was so minimal compared to what we deal with now.

30.

Crap. Really? I don't feel it. I was 8 when my mom was 30. Am I that far behind? Am I on a 'normal' track?

Mom, you were right. We all wish it when we are younger 'I want to grow up, so I can do what I want' always with the reply from mom, 'No you don't. When you are grown up, you'll want to be little again'. Preposterous.

I love my life. I love my fiance', my friends, my job....my life. But what I've give for another summer vacation at home with my parents and my sister. Waking up to humid Georgia mornings and the smell of the honeysuckles that grew on the fence between our house and JT's. Endless hours of playing in the sand pit in the back yard digging out houses. The anticipation of Christmas morning, leaving cookies out for Santa, and being so excited you could hardly contain it. As adults, we just don't feel that anymore. I can honestly look back and say I had the best childhood ever. Memories so good I don't want to forget them, but want to relive them.

....and with tomorrow, comes 30.
















Bring it on......

PSA to Holiday Drivers

All I can say is......Really?

Usually my little road trip down to my parent's house - 4 hours from mine, is a fairly dull drive. Which, until today I might have complained about.

People, I understand it's December 23rd. I understand you want to get to your holiday destination just as much as I do, but your level of disrespect for other drivers on the road is enough to make even the most sane person snap.

Here's a brief list of things you need to work on:

1.) high beams. These are typically used for dark secluded roads where your only real fear is hitting bambi. Flying up behind a car doing 95mph and then flipping them on in a person's mirrors is just slightly uncalled for. If you think that they are going too slow for you at their pace of 85mph, then just go the hell around them. It's called common sense and it's quite apparent that while you might have the most pimp Escalade in your neighborhood - you have absolutely no common sense. Just a nice chip on your shoulder the size of Montana.

2.) Brake checking. ok.....all I can say is I sincerely hope that the person who eventually rear ends you causes your car to lose control and spin into a thick wooded forest, and let darwin take it from there. You had it coming.

3.) Congratulations on pulling every driving maneuver you learned in your 35 years of watching Nascar. Cutting off that many people got you one car length ahead in traffic. You will arrive at your destination .12 seconds earlier than planned. Go you.

and finally....

4.) blocking. Seriously? We are all trying to get somewhere. I understand this. Aunt Jane's famous pumpkin pie will still be there if you let me get in that lane. Rapidly accelerating to prevent me from changing lanes only proves to me that you are a prick who will stop at nothing to prove your manliness or lack thereof.

Merry Frigging Christmas.

How to learn compassion in a week or less.....

Week one at the new job.

We all know me. I'm cynical, prejudiced, and negative.

While my political views will not be changed, my level of compassion towards others, will. After one week working for a non profit day care and preschool, I see it all.

I see happiness, sadness, ignorance, and unconditional love.

My new place of work could not be any more different than any previous job before.

I see children of every race, religion, and age. Some come from well established households, while a majority do not. They come from foster homes, broken homes, and situations I don't care to think about. And every one of them is beautiful with a different story to tell.

I wanted this job so I could make a difference, in any possible way I could. I'm so incredibly thankful that within a few days time, I'm able to bring Christmas to a couple of kids that walk the halls I work in. I see moms that don't care, and some that have reached their breaking point. I've already seen the good foster parents and the bad. It's amazing that I can be so disgusted and elated about these kids at the same time.

All I can say is.....love your children. Take care of your children. Put them before yourself. Be thankful for everything you have. Food, love, and clothes. I already want to give these kids everything.

......have a good weekend.

Aunt Bunny's Tree

Back in October when we went to my Grandparent's house in North Georgia, my Grandpa (mom's dad) handed something down to me. It was a ceramic tree that his sister had made back in the 60's. Aunt Bunny and I clicked right away when I fist met her, back when I was about 10 years old. She owned a Llama farm in Sedro Wooley, Washington and she became my 'fax pal'. We'd write every couple weeks and when she and my Great-Uncle traveled, she was always sure to send me a postcard from their destinations. 19 years later, I still have all her letters.

She passed away some years back after having two strokes.

This tree was something special that everyone in the family grew up with as a Christmas decoration.....when Grandpa pulled it out for me to see for the first time, half of it was shattered.

I consider this mine and Aunt Bunny's little project. Since I brought it home, it's had a little bit of work done to it - so that it can be enjoyed for many more generations.

Here's what it looked like after I'd pieced together most of the parts that had broken off. Only about 1/3 of the tree was still intact with no cracks.


All together.




I used spackle to fill in a few small holes, and to smooth over the cracks. Then I sanded it down.



It took me a while to find a paint color that matched what she had painted it all those years ago. The glitter that she had on there was browned and dingy from all the years. I contemplated for a while whether to leave it, or redo it, so that it can once again be displayed again. I sanded off what I could of the old glue and glitter, but made sure to leave enough there so that I could 're-glitter' it in the same lines that she had. (sorry for the bad garage lighting)


I was so scared to do this, but I'm so glad I did. It turned out so wonderful.



I was even able to still find plain white glitter - just like what she used.


Hope you like it Aunt Bunny. I enjoyed 'our' little project.

Since being out of work......

....it's been interesting. A jumbled mix of housecleaning, laundry, painting bedrooms, being Betty Crocker, and sending out gobs and gobs of resumes.

Mr. Obama, I know you said that this recession was over in June, but well....I have to disagree. It's only 1pm on Thursday, and so far this week I have sent out 93 Resumes.

93.

That's a lot of picking through different websites, and sorting through all the ads on Craigslist in anything from Administrative, to Retail, to Childcare.

And ok....here's something I don't get. All those Craigslist scammers out there. I'd like to know what exactly they gain by posting bogus ads to unemployed people. We don't work, we have no money.....and this is the best thing you can come up with? No wonder you are failing in life Mr. Nigerian Scammer. You are a bleeding moron.

I've been on a number of interviews - some better than others. Last week I was absolutely sure I'd be getting an offer. I sat at this interview for 2 hours talking to various people (including the owner) that they brought in last minute to meet with me. I impressed the pants off them, and I know it. Life is just full of surprises and uncertainties.....

family tradition....

In my farewell to my vette blog, I might have left out a little tidbit....

because it was a surprise for my dad, and I wanted to make sure that nothing spoiled it. Since I was 18 I've wanted to give my dad a corvette. I searched for an affordable project car back then, and wasn't able to find anything I could afford. Eventually he bought a couple C3's to work on, so that 'buy his first' theory went out the window. But this past Friday I did the next best thing, by arranging a full museum delivery of my car, to him.













Taking advantage of the fact my parents were finally up here to visit (they only come up about once a year) we decided to hit a few places that Rob and I enjoy, as well as the Oktoberfest in Historic Germantown. Oktoberfest was fun and all, but left some to be desired. Very little there was German themed which bummed us out (seeing that we are quite German) so instead of hanging out all day there we opted to head to the Flying Saucer where the beers were cheaper, and the food was better. Once we had lunch we headed to the Yazoo Brewery for a tour and tasting before heading home for the evening. So.....saturday involved lots of food and beer. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Farewell my little corvette.....

This weekend will be tough on me. I can honestly say that my corvette changed my life. Had I not bought it, I would not be in Tennessee, I would not be with Rob, and I would have missed out on some seriously amazing people and activities.

I've conquered the Tail of the Dragon, attended numerous car shows and cruise nights, driven with fiery enthusiasm at Road Atlanta, and spent countless hours detailing it (as well as fixing it's many ailments).

I've been proud and beaming many times and I shifted through each of it's quick and powerful 6 gears, and I've cursed more times than I can remember as one thing broke after the other.

All in all though, it's been a damn good car. Few things in life will compare to stomping the accelerator on the highway and feel the wind blow through your hair....

In a little over a week, it will go to my father.....who I know will take wonderful care of it. He has more patience than I do to work on it, to fix all of the electrical demons, and to make sure that every part of it stays working perfectly. After all, he's the one that got me hooked on corvettes. I remember oogling c4's (yes, c4's....) when I was a little girl, and both of us wishing we could have one someday.

Although he's had his fair share of C3's, this is a milestone for him as well. As I say farewell to this chapter in my car history.

Echo, you will be missed.

40 days

That's the life span of a wasp.

you have to be kidding me. I googled this only after I built a wasp stick. Which is 3 trusty bamboo yard stakes duct taped together.

I poked him.

He wasn't dead.

Now he's just mad.







crap.

oh yeah, and here's the finished product of the guest room. I held off on posting pics, since I'm yet to get anything on the walls.

where I've been...

I feel bad, as though I've been neglecting my little blog. It's been a couple weeks since 'the quitting' and I've never been happier. Sure, I'm worried about not being able to pay all my bills, but I don't dread waking up each morning. I make sure that I hit all the major sites each day to send out resumes, and keep my fingers crossed that I get a call from Vanderbilt, or Gaylord Opry. Or anything, really. ( lol )

I've kept busy though - I've been a painting and cleaning fool in this house. And shredding. Apparently my loving boyfriend has kept every single receipt and bill from the past 14 years. It has been my goal to go through and shred every single one of these. I started last week. I'm still not done. His office has been the only room in this house I have not touched since moving in over two years ago. I don't feel so bad for having a storage unit full of my things now. :)

Last weekend we headed to Memphis for Rob's 20th high school reunion. We love any excuse to dress up. Can't say much for the reunion though, as we paid entirely too much for the quality of food they had there. But hey, it's all about the memories, right? Oh yeah, and I also went gambling. In my 29 years here, I have yet to actually do this. So Saturday morning we headed to Tunica to the Harrah's casino with Rob and his parents. Had a blast. But I have to admit, I don't see how people can become so addicted to this!

...and that whole wasp thing? Yeah - going on day 7. Wasp is still in the same place. Still moving those disgusting twig legs. So I know he's not dead. Just sitting there. Waiting. Plotting. Mocking. Die wasp.


Pics to follow tomorrow.

For now, I'm going to enjoy this nice tasty cool, Terrapin Pumpkinfest. (which , yes - is worth buying)

Wine, Waterfalls, and 950 Miles Later....

It's been a little while since my last update. I made it through week 1 of not working, and I managed to keep myself fairly occupied. Now that I'm back from 4 days out, the routine of endless cleaning and laundry begins again.

I drove down to GA on Thursday to visit my parents for a few days, and on Friday I drove 2 hours south to the little town of Haddock to pick up Rob's new smoker. Whenever I drive to a place like that I wonder how people can live so far from well......everything. I love the country and the fresh air, but I don't think I could live on a dirt road 30+ minutes from the nearest grocery store. But I got to drive through Monticello, which is a neat and historic town, so I was grateful for the opportunity to see some old houses.....one of which had a garage sale. Apparently they aren't sure if it's actually on "Hilton St".



Saturday I was bored. I can't sit still for long, and with mom sewing, and dad working on the back deck, I got the urge to head up to North Georgia. When I was in my late teens, early 20's I practically lived up there on weekends. I was always off roading, hiking, or camping, but since I've gotten older, I rarely get the time to go back. I opted to go to Wolf Mountain Winery for a tasting, and then go to Dick's Creek Falls.

Wolf Mountain was absolutely beautiful. I haven't been to the other vineyards up in that area, but no doubt, this one needs to be on your winery tour list. Situated at the top of one of the mountains, and very steep narrow roads to get around the area.....proved to make my leaving after tasting wine, a somewhat thrilling feat. I impressed myself by being able to maneuver a quad cab truck through a tiny, odd shaped parking lot, and squeeze through two other SUVs, just to be welcomed by a very sharp right turn. All in all though, it's well worth it!





Here is a map for all the wineries in that area: http://www.georgiawine.com/georgia-wine-country-map

After my wine tasting, I headed up the road about 10 minutes to Dick's Creek Falls. It hadn't rained in a little while, so it was not as powerful as it was when I first photographed it about 7 years ago. There were a couple families there swimming in the pools at the top and bottom of the falls, so with shorts and tank top on, I jumped right in.....I absolutely loved every moment of my afternoon.







Made it home yesterday late afternoon, wanting to get home early to get ready for my interview this morning.....hoping and praying it goes well!